The Kitchen Is for Cooking...and Swearing.

Yesterday I discovered a new swear word while in the kitchen.  How does one discover a new swear?  From my experience, it is like the way a chemist discovers a new element by manipulating raw materials.  When I discovered my Italian fruitcakes from the Talisman cookbook to be little burnt tasteless bricks after half the recommended baking time and a whole lot of expensive ingredients, I broke forth with my new swear.

DAMM DAMMERSON! 

Is a Swedish man who sneaks into your kitchen when you're not looking and f-'s up your baked goods with the real butter, hand-chopped walnuts, and hand-candied fruit.

So I have sung the praises of the Talisman cookbook in two posts now.  While it is true that I have eaten many of the foods named in that tome, the actual recipes provided tend be a hot mess.

The Pinza Bertoldese is a case in point.  What it should have been: light, sweet yeast bread with fruit and nuts and a hint of cocoa.  What the recipe called for: 5 cups of flour and 5 tablespoons of water.  For my metric afficionados, that's 75mL of fluid.  I should have stopped right there.  But oh no!  I'm smart, I thought to myself.  I don't need a guide to tell me how much water to put in bread dough.  What I didn't bargain for, but should have, was that apparently every other measurement in the recipe was similarly flawed.

This morning I had a similar experience with the liebkuchen I was attempting to make out of the original 1950-something Betty Crocker Picture Cookbook.  I don't know if tastes have changed since the 50's, but I can tell you right now that when I think "love cake" (a rough translation from the German), I don't think "a cookie that is simultaneously hard and chewy", also requiring expensive ingredients, an actual baking time half as long as the stated baking time, and, despite the inclusion in the recipe of: molasses, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, nutmeg, lemon peel, honey, and walnuts, NO FLAVOR.

So the lesson for today is "trust your instincts".  If a recipe sounds crappy, it probably is. Don't get lured astray by exotic or toothsome ingredients (which are also probably expensive).  Much like a truly diabolical boyfriend, things always sound better in the beginning.  When you're remixing your cookie dough at 10pm because it still isn't firm enough after being in the refrigerator for 5 hours, or wondering yet again why that guy forgot your birthday but bought you a card for no reason last week, it's time to quit while you're ahead.  Don't go down the aisle of actually bothering to cut out and put those bad boys in the oven.  Just throw the whole batch away and start over.

Pasticciera Cream

3 TB. sugar
3 egg yolks
3 TB. flour
1/2 tsp. grated lemon rind
1/2 tsp. vanilla
2 C. milk
1 TB. butter

Place sugar, egg yolks, flour, lemon rind, and vanilla in a large saucepan and mix together well.  In a separate pan (or the microwave) scald the milk, then pour into the large saucepan, a slowly and little at a time at first to avoid curdling the eggs while beating constantly.  (Either with a wire whisk or electric beater...this recipe says use a rotary beater, which just shows how old the book is!  A rotary beater was the precursor to an electric handheld mixer that involves two beaters and a crank.  You held and guided the mixer with one hand and cranked it with the other!!!  I remember using one that my Grandmom had...instant pudding wasn't so instant in those days.)  Anyway, continue cooking the mixture over a low flame (this is what is says, "low" probably for an electric range) stirring with a wooden spoon until mixture reaches the boiling point.  (From personal experience, this could take a while...like half an hour.  Don't try to rush it, you'll just end up with sweet scrambled eggs.)  Cook 4 minutes longer, stirring constantly.  Remove from the source of the heat, and add in the butter.  Mix well.  Pour into a mixing bowl and let cool, stirring occasionally to prevent a skin from forming over the top.  Serves 4.  (4 who?  4 people who want 1/2 C. pudding each?  Maybe.  Also, this will most likely make a boatload of cream puff filling.)