Homemade Yeast Starter / Muffins for a Personal Crisis

Yeast starter has been the project of my kitchen efforts lately.  Mundane, perhaps, but intriguing in possibilities.  Yeast-risen chocolate cake?  Yeast-risen apple muffins?  Tried.  Failed.  But the results were interesting.  The chocolate cake was delivered and eaten up.  I even checked the trash can, which did not contain 12 pieces of chocolate cake with two bites taken out.  The apple muffins were offered to a friend in a personal crisis.  I described then as "Shitty Muffins" because, in my mind, they were.  Also all eaten up.  Either I'm a better cook than I thought I was, or other people's standards are way lower than I thought they would be.

Why yeast starter versus baking powder or baking soda?  Well, it all started when I discovered aluminum-free baking powder.  "Hum," I thought.  "Aluminum is certainly not a good thing to be eaten," so I bought it.  However, aluminum-free baking powder could also be described as "Shitty Baking Powder".  It kind of does the job.  Kind of.  But it also requires all kinds of changes in steps when you're mixing your ingredients to avoid the same effect as if you had not added any baking powder, shitty or not.  And that effect still does sometimes occur.  Baking soda, on the other hand, has more reliable results, but also has its signature taste, which I shall describe as "salty tin cans."  Yes, if you are masterful at measuring things exactly, like Grandmom, you do not run into this problem with your caraway seed scones with the real butter in them.  (Why is it always when I use really good ingredients that things go horribly wrong?)

So, all that being said, I decided to get inventive with yeast.  Here is my recipe, only requires a bought yeast infusion once, at the start, and which rises admirably albeit slowly by today's standards-- according to Julia Child in "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" each rising of a bread recipe should take 5 hours, which is about how long this recipe takes.  Quick yeast bread?  No.  Bread dough you can let rise overnight or while you're at work all day, care free?  Yes indeed.

Homemade Yeast Starter

1 package dry yeast of your preference
2 cup water
1/2 cup flour
1/2 cup sugar

Mix all together, let sit in a warm place in a loosely-covered container.  (Unless you want your container to burst eventually and spew starter everywhere.  Then, by all means, firmly affix the lid-- the tigher, the better!)  Shake or stir the contents about once every third day.  Use about half of the starter no less frequently than once every 6th day.  Whenever you do use it, use about half of it.  Replenish the remaining volume with half the amount of the ingredients above except, of course, for the packaged yeast.  Then you must do something totally countercultural (at least if you're an American). Leave the yeast starter container uncovered in its warm place for about 12 hours.  Why?  You're collecting free yeast from the environment.  (The first time I explained this, the person I was talking to responded after a pregnant pause with "Did you just say 'collect yeast from the environment' ?")  And get THIS!  The free-range yeast outperform the packaged kind.  So basically, the reason you add the packaged yeast in the first place is to get things going on a good footing by creating the kind of environment that a yeast would like.  Then you basically encourage it to get roommates from the wide world.  And they are the best roommates.  At least when it comes to bread.

Medium-Batch Tsoureki / I think I see bubbles

Tsoureki.  My first foray into Greek Cooking.  Which is a lot like Italian Cooking, except it doesn't have basil, because basil was found by St. Somebody around the foot of the cross.  I know that's not very specific.  But, speaking candidly, I don't care what was growing around the foot of the cross.  Especially if it was basil, because basil is delicious, medicinal, and easy to grow.  I can't imagine that Jesus would feel that if basil were growing around his cross that it should be verboten to his beloved people forever. I mean, he made it.  He knows how good it is.  If He had died atop a hill of johnson grass, maybe I would feel differently.

I had heard about these legendary Easter Breads in passing, read about them once or twice (Italians make them too) and finally came across a recipe that sounded so tasty that I could not resist making it for Easter.  I modified it for size because the original made 5-6 loaves.  I mean, when a recipe is so large the author is not clear on how many whole loaves it makes it is too large for my kitchen.  And in addition, the actual yield of the original recipe, based on my experience, is 1000.  Yes.  Possibly 2000.  It's a lot.  My cut-down recipe, which I cannot even honestly call a "small batch", makes one hubcab-sized loaf or, likely, 2-3 normal-sized loaves.  But it was worth it because it is not only great fresh, it is lucious day after day for breakfast slathered in butter and dunked in your hot beverage of choice.  It is rich, and just lightly sweet, with a velvety, almost cakey texture.  I think I need to go make some more, because my hubcab of Easter love didn't last very long.

Medium-Batch Tsoureki

1 package fast-rising yeast
1/2 C. warm water
3-4 C.sifted all-purpose flour
1/2 C. sugar
1 tsp. salt
2 eggs, separated
1/2-1/3 C. milk
1/2 C. butter (one stick, in America)
half a can of sesame seeds
1 TB. vanilla or almond extract (I made mine with vanilla)
Hardboiled and festively dyed eggs for decoration (extremely optional, but attractive)

Mix together the warm water, salt, and sugar in a large bowl.  Add in the yeast and let proof for 5-10 minutes or until seriously foamy.  As in, "froth on beer" foamy, not "I stirred it a little and I think I see bubbles" foamy.  That is not enough foamy.  That amount of foamy could be "yeast is actually dead but faking you out" foamy, otherwise known as "ahahahaha try and burn ME in the oven, your bread will never rise, yeast-hater" foamy.  Stir in 2 egg yolks and 1 egg white.  (The other egg white is for brushing on top later.)  Add in your milk.  Sift your flour and stir it into the yeast micture one cup at a time, mixing it well to make a smooth batter, then, as you continue adding flour, a glossy dough that pulls away from the sides of the bowl.  Turn it out onto a well-floured surface and knead it about 10 minutes, adding in additional flour as necessary to prevent it becoming too sticky.  When you're done, you should have a satiny elastic dough that does not tear easily.  Put it in a well-greased bowl and cover it with plastic wrap (or wet cheesecloth, it works just fine).  Set your dough in a warm place.  (I've had good success with putting the oven on the lowest setting, letting it preheat, then putting in the dough to rise and turning the oven off after I shut the door).  Let it rise until doubled, about 1-1/2 hours.  This will be your longest rising time.  When it's risen, punch it down and let it rise until doubled again (about 45 minutes).  When it's done so, turn it out onto your work surface and cut it into 6 pieces.  Shape each piece into a long snake.  Braid three snakes together, then turn them into a wreath.  Put your wreaths onto your baking sheets.  Tuck the dyed eggs in amongst the sections of braid if you want the eggs in for decoration.  Then, brush each wreath with the egg white and sprinkle sesame seeds all over them until they are basically more sesame seed than bread.  Yum.  Put them in the oven and bake at 350 until golden brown on top and they sound hollow when tapped on the bottom.  I had to tent mine with aluminum foil for the last 15 minutes or so to prevent the crust from scorching, but a rich caramel brown crust is actually pretty tasty, and this bread's texture doesn't result in a tough crust.  Au contraire.  Weap, packaged white bread, weap.  Toothsome crusts come from the home oven now.


 

Slap Your Momma Biscuits

Hello all!  I hope to post some tastylicious recipes for you to enjoy in the next few weeks, reversing the trend of several months, ie "not posting at all ever, like, ever".  To break the fast I bring you:

Slap Your Momma Biscuits

Why are they called this?  I don't know, and I named them.  Let me clarify.  Here in the American South, we have this phrase, "It/They was/were so good, they made/will make I/me/you/everyone on the planet slap your/his/her/their Momma."  Okay.  But, why?  Why is something so tasty or delightful that it makes a person want to hit their mother?  I don't know.  It defies my reason.  By the same logic, a person could say, "Oh my, this train is so on-time it makes me want to fart inappropriately in an elevator!" or "I love my girlfriend so much that I want to ask her to marry me and then put minor body damage on a stranger's car!"  Not that I'm negating the actual offense of mother-slapping.  It's just that the implied offense in the "slap yo momma" phrase is similar to stinky farts or not leaving a note when your shopping cart leaves a scrape.  But, at the end of the day, when someone says "such and such is sooo good, it'll make you want to slap yo momma!" they mean it is THAT good.  SO GOOD.  OH MY HEAVENLY HOSTS THERE ARE ANGELS DANCING ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.  So let's get down to it.  Just don't slap yo momma.  Or told her you wanted to slap her.  Or she may slap you in a pre-emptive mother slapping strike.

By the way, this is definitely one of those recipes where the technique is actually more important than the list of the ingredients.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

 Slap Your Momma Biscuits

1-1/2 C. SIFTED flour.  IE, sift it into the measuring cup, or sift it and then measure it, but by all means DO NOT measure it and then sift it!

2 TB. shortening or lard
2 TB. soft butter + extra for brushing on the top
1/2 tsp. salt
1-1/2 tsp. single-acting (aluminum-free) or 3/4 tsp. double-acting ("regular") baking powder
1/2 to 3/4 C. buttermilk*

Preheat the oven to 450F.  Combine the sifted flour with the salt and baking powder.  Cut in the shortening and butter until the mixture has a grainy, sandy texture.  If you need more of the fat, add more shortening for crustiness or more butter for tenderness.  Gently mix in the buttermilk until the dough is moist and can be patted into a shape.  Proceed to turn the dough out onto a floured surface and pat it into a shape.  These biscuits are crustiest when you pat the dough 1/2 inch thick and then cut them into rounds with a SHARP biscuit cutter.  They are fluffier if you pinch off the dough into golfball-sized chunks and then softly pat them into a round shape.  Either way, do not overwork the dough!  By "not overworking", I mean that the process should literally process (proh-CESS) like this if you're getting ready to cut out rounds, for example: "Dumdedum, mixing in the buttermilk, dumping it out, pat pat, nudge nudge, a little more patting DONE."  Basically, as soon as you have the dough in a defined shape you've worked it enough.  Otherwise your product will be tough little items useful for sporting practice, or deterring the local racoon from your garden by show of force, but not for eating.  Take it from me, the person who learned how to make pastry before she learned how to make biscuits and paid dearly for it.  Returning to the subject, put your biscuits nestled up to each other with their sides touching on your baking pan or ideally your cast iron skillet, and brush or spread a little pat of butter on each top.  (I just spread it on, but it would be easier I guess if it were melted?)  Then, bake them in your nice hot oven, without peaking (except to look through the glass door with the oven light on, if you are so blessed) for about 10 minutes, or until the tops are golden brown.  If you are not blessed with a glass door and an oven light, wait at least 5 minutes before checking on them.  When they are done, take them out and let them cool off a minute or so before devouring them like hungry animals with lots of butter, honey, jam, gravy, or whatever you like to put on biscuits.  Seriously, they're that good.  They're pretty good leftover too.  So maybe I should rechristen them "Hungry Animal Biscuits."  Naaah.

*You can make your own buttermilk by combining the total volume minus 1-2 TB of milk with 1-2 TB vinegar or lemon juice.  Either option tastes fine.



 

Cinnamon Raisin Coffee Cake

Update

This cake is nasty!  I guess I've gotten so used to being able to produce good stuff from my kitchen that I didn't bother to try it for once before posting it.  I mean, it's not cough-syrup-flavored or made with lice, but it's not exactly tasty.  Its issues are: too dense, not enough filling, not enough flavor overall.  There, I said it.  Based on the continued popularity of my blog post about the homemade toothpaste, I'm guessing that my honesty about kitchen failures is entertaining.  Which was in part the point.  Success!  So, if you feel inclined to mess around with this recipe, feel free.  I would add about 2-3 more cups of raisins and real sugar instead of corn syrup, skip the whole "1 TB of this, 1 TB of that" business and just dump a whole boatload of butter in its place, and let this one rise twice like it was supposed to, rolling it out between risings and filling it with the aforementioned raisins.  But that's just an estimate, since I probably will just make actual real cinnamon buns next time instead of lazy, cabinet-purging muffinettes.  (I felt at the time that muffins would be a good call.  Turns out: I was wrong.)

Fruit Filling (I use the word "filling" loosely)
1 C. golden raisins
1/4 C. granulated sugar or light corn syrup (I used corn syrup...still cleaning out the cabinets)
1-2 tsp. ground cinnamon

Heat the corn syrup on the stove in a small saucepan over medium heat.  Stir in the cinnamon and the raisins.  Turn the heat down to low and let it sit and bubble for a few minutes-- 5 or so.  (It should still be runny.)

Batter
1 pkg. quick-rise yeast (if you have regular, just plan on doubling the rising time, but otherwise do everything else the same)
1/2 C. milk

Heat the milk until it's warm but not hot (otherwise you'll kill your yeast!!).  Stir in your yeast and let it proof, ie let it sit and make bubbles for a minute or so.  (If it doesn't bubble, start over with new yeast and fresh milk.)

Then, whisk together:

1 C. all-purpose flour
1 C. whole wheat flour
1/4 tsp. salt

In a separate bowl, combine the following, adding the egg second last and the sugar last.

1 egg
1 TB. shortening, melted
2 TB. sunflower oil
1 TB. cream cheese
1/4 C. sugar (I had powdered, but granulated would probably be fine)

Stir the yeast mixture into the wet ingredients.  Then add the wet into the dry, including the Fruit filling that you have prepared.  Or, you could make it a true filling and layer it into the batter when you get closer to baking it.  Either way, set your batter aside in a warm place and let it rise until double.  (I'm impatient, so what I do is let it rise to about 75% and then put the batter in a cold oven instead of preheating it.  It works out pretty well!)  When your batter is how you like it, pour your batter into the receptacle of your choice.  I used a muffin pan plus a mini loaf pan, but it would make two regular-sized loaves, or a 9x9 square pan as well.  Then, bake it according to your tastes (the impatient way or the regular way) at 350 for 20-30 minutes or until it passes the toothpick test.  If you feel extra festive, make a frosting from 1 C. powdered sugar and 1-2 TB. of milk and pour it over the top!
_________

When I was younger, I used to wish that I had a more picture-perfect home life.  "Wish" is probably not strong enough a word.  I felt instinctively that my life would be a lot easier if it were.  I'm thankful, though, for the strength that God has taught me through my non-picture-perfect family, and I'm thankful that he gave me Grandmom and Grandpop, that were such a source of rest when life was so hard.  In amongst all of that, they were like an island of food and love in the midst of a raging sea. It was bittersweet to go visit them because I knew I had to leave, and I knew what I had to go back to. But it still meant the world to me. And I appreciated the home-cooked meals while I was there, and the unfashionable winter coats that they sent me when I wasn't there, much more than if their love and kindness were all I had ever known.  And at the end of the day, I think I can honestly say that I could survive pretty much anything. My world isn't going to come crashing down if I'm hungry, or cold, or despised. I know that hunger cannot break your spirit, and the cold cannot kill it. I know the difference between being liked for what I have and being liked for who I am, and I know the difference between being disliked for what I've done and being mistreated because I'm vulnerable.

But most of all, I'm thankful for knowing what it means to be loved just for existing on this earth, and not because of anything else.  And the wisdom to know that this is the difference between love and appreciation.  Appreciation fades.  Appreciation can replace its object.  Appreciation definitely dies a swift and bitter death once its source dries up.  Love...doesn't.  Love is worth it.  Appreciation isn't.  Thank you, Grandmom and Grandpop.

Apple Spice Coffee Cake / The Smoking Foodgun

Apple Spice Coffee Cake

Filling
3 large apples, cored, peeled, and coarsely chopped
juice of 1 orange
1 C. dark brown sugar
2-3 TB. butter
1/4 C. sultana raisins (optional).

Melt the butter in a skillet.  Melt the sugar in the butter.  Dump in the apples and juice.  Let simmer until the apples are fully cooked.  If you want the raisins, add them at the same time that you add the apples.

Batter
1-2/3 C. unbleached all-purpose flour
2/3 C. whole wheat flour
1 pkg. yeast
1/2 C. milk
2 eggs
1/3 C. granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cardamom
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
2 TB. ginger paste -or- 1 tsp. powdered ginger
1/4 C. oil

Mix together the dry ingredients.  Warm the milk.  Add in the yeast and let it proof (1-5 minutes, depending on whether it's regular or quick-rise).  In a separate bowl from the flour, mix together the yeast mixture, the eggs, and the oil.  Beat this into the flour mixture, stirring for about 1 minute or until the dough starts to pull away from the sides slightly.  Let rise in a warm place about 30 minutes to 1 hour (again, depending on your yeast).  Grease and flour a bundt pan and preheat the oven to 350F.  Pour half the batter into the pan.  Pour in the filling.  Top with the remainder of the batter and bake for about 40 minutes.  (You might have to tent the top of the cake for the last 10 minutes or so, depending on how hot your oven runs.  It should be a nice medium brown on top, though.)  Take the cake out after it passes the toothpick test and let it cool for about 15 minutes before attempting to cut it. 

I had apples, so I used apples, but another alternative is to use two or three jars of orange marmalade and skip the whole "making a filling" step.  That would bring out the spices more and be a lot easier.  It is tasty as an apple cake, for sure.
________

In my search for a pan while cooking dinner, I discovered the manual to a vintage kitchen appliance I own called "the Foodgun".  I know.  It sounds like it should be illegal in schools and on planes and public property.  In reality, it is a spritz cookie maker and, according to the ambitions of the manufacturer, the most useful tool in our kitchens since the fork.  Have a bunch of cooked unfilled manicotti laying around?  Problem solved!  Use the Foodgun.  Need to turn plain mashed potatoes into a gourmet dish via shooting them out of a motorized canister?  Shabam, the Foodgun gives you "Duchess Potatoes".  Its uses potentially are limited only by the human imagination of things that need to be filled and substances that can be shot into those things.  In addition, the manufacturer provided a helpful "FAQ" section at the back that makes Dr. Dre look like an amateur at spinning.  Example: "Q. Is it dishwasher safe?  A. The motor housing is not immersible, but easily cleans with a damp cloth.  It's possible to put the separate parts in the dishwasher--but not advisable....Besides, they're so easily cleaned with a soak and a wipe that it's hardly worth the time to put them in the dishwasher."  (Emphasis mine.)  Excuse me, but until I have a personal attendant who enjoys applying "a soak and a wipe" to dishwasher-safe items, it is still worth the time for me to put them in the dishwasher.  Furthermore, I cannot imagine the "soak and a wipe" that would be both quick and sufficient to remove a thick, sticky layer of extruded cookie dough from the inside of a plastic barrel.  It would involve much more than that.  Possibly two soaks.  And definitely about a thousand wipes.  Or the dishwasher.  Just come out and say it if it's not dishwasher safe.  There is no such thing as "marginally dishwasher safe", except, apparently, in the minds of the makers of the Foodgun. 

This Foodgun in particular came to me by a circuitous route.  It was originally given to Grandmom as a Christmas or birthday present, and it was something she wanted.  However, it turned out not to be exactly what she thought it was, or something to that effect, so she hung onto it for a while and then regifted it to my mom at her bridal shower.  Remember, this was about thirty years before "regifting" was even a word.  But Grandmom did it!  My mom knew about it and was fine with it.  Eventually she tried it out, and it too wasn't quite what she had in mind.  So, she gave it back to Grandmom, where it sat in the basement for the next 25 years until Grandmom asked me if I wanted to poke around there and see if there was anything I wanted for my first apartment (on approval, of course).  I haven't tried it out yet.  Honestly, I'm kind of afraid to. 

Also, my not using it allows it to last longer and therefore possibly become the most epic regifting since the Ugly Sweater Episode.  In a nutshell, either my Great-aunt Kitty or my Grandmom or possibly their respective Mother-in-law/Mother gave it to one of them.  It was, by both their reports, really ugly.  Yet it was mandatory for whoever got it first to wear it occasionally out of respect for one's elders.  Until somebody got the brilliant idea to "accidentally" lose it at the other one's house.  In a very hidden location.  At first, the finder, whoever it was (Grandmom or Aunt Kitty), thought it was an accident and tried to give it back.  The ugly sweater returned, and the game was on.  Over the course of about 15 years the ugly sweater traded houses multiple times and also went to Myrtle Beach and Upstate Pennsylvania, (in various hands) and also once to Paris, France.  (Grandmom was responsible for that one, sneaking it into a packed suitcase on pretense of using the bathroom at Aunt Kitty's house the day before she left on vacation.)  As you can imagine, over time the methods of sweater delivery had to become more sophisticated.  It got mailed.  It got "Return to Sender"-ed.  It came in the back of a framed picture.  Of course it got given for Christmas along with a more legitimate gift at least once apiece.  It goes without saying that every coat closet in both their respective houses got paid a visit by the ugly sweater, while the deliverer tried to sneak out without having to retrieve it, sometimes with success.  (I remember Grandmom telling me she was so frustrated on one occasion because she had checked every closet multiple times during a visit from Aunt Kitty and Aunt Kitty still managed to sneak the ugly sweater in somehow right before she left.)  So, with my vintage Foodgun approaching its fourth holder and decade, I think I can definitely continue the tradition, if I find just the right victim...er...recipient.

Independence Pancakes / On Being American

These pancakes are free of animal products! So I guess that makes them cruelty-free, too. They are also cholesterol-free, and, if you leave out the oil and add more almond milk, fat-free. Leave out the white sugar and they're sugar-free. Besides all that, the batter is an excellent consistency for adding patriotic-themed fruit. Here's a tip, BTW: Pour your pancake batter into the hot pan, spread it around a little with the spoon you used to put it in there, and then put your fruit pieces in one at a time until you've got a nice pizza-pie effect going on. Let the pancake cook like normal, then flip it. Shazaam, each pancake has the perfect amount of fruit and is also cooked to perfection on both sides. Grandmom taught me that trick.

Independence Pancakes

1 C. applesauce
1/4 C. oil + extra for frying the pancakes
1 C. whole wheat flour
1 C. white all-purpose flour
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
2 TB. white sugar (optional)
1/3-1/2 C. almond milk as needed for consistency (it should be a thick but pourable batter)

Whisk together your dry ingredients.  Add in your wet ingredients one at a time, putting in the almond milk last.  Let rest a couple of minutes.  (The batter actually will stay good in the refrigerator with a piece of plastic wrap covering the surface for over a week, so you can do that too if you don't want to make all 12 or so pancakes at once.)  In the meantime, heat about 2 tsp. of oil in a fry pan over medium heat until a drop of water tossed in sizzles and pops.  Drop in about 1/4 C. batter per pancake, spacing them out adequately so you have room to turn them.  Put in the fruit (or other additions) now if you want to have them in your pancakes.  Let the pancakes cook until they have dry bubbles around the edges and wet bubbles popping up in the center.  Then flip them, and let them cook until the pancakes rise and are firm and not squishy when you stroke them with the spatula.  (That's the best way I can describe it.)  If you're uncertain and you don't care how your pancakes look, use the sharp edge of the spatula to make a small cut in the center of your pancakes-- when they're done the middle will look cakey and shouldn't be gooey or wet-looking at all.  You know your stove temperature is right when your pancakes are a nice golden brown on both sides and they're done in the middle.  If your stove is too hot, they'll be burned on the outside and gooey inside.  Too cold and they'll be lightly tanned on the outside and tough on the inside.  Anyway, once your pancakes are definitively done, remove them to a serving plate and eat them as soon as possible, with whatever toppings you prefer.  I like the traditional maple syrup and butter combo, but pancakes are almost always tasty with applesauce on top, and sometimes sour cream.  And who knows what else.
________

The other day, I went to visit my cousin who's about to enter seminary.  We had a great visit, we talked about all kinds of things, and I learned something about my family: we are all rebels.

Only in my family would becoming a minister be a rebellious act, but it was.  If my cousin had, for example, decided to go to a state college in pursuit of a bachelor's degree, he would be unexceptional for us.  If he discovered while there that he was incredibly talented at, say, engineering, everyone would be applauding him right now.  But instead, he decided to become a priest.  A priest!  A Catholic priest!  If he had announced that he wanted to grow antlers and run away to the forest he would have been met with less resistance. 

But he didn't want to grow antlers, he wanted to be a Catholic priest.  And so he faced the flack, the flat-out, no-holds-barred, intrafamily gossiping, the subtle hints that his sexual libido would eventually grow into a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Giant Purple People Eater with dire consequences if he continued on his chosen path. 

And that's what I mean when I say, "We are all rebels."  My mom loves business.  What did I do?  I got a fine arts degree.  Her mom was a housewife, member of the garden club, and proud supporter of the DAR.  What did my mom do?  Become the manager two steps down from the CEO of any company she works at.  It's like some sort of Call of the Wild.  Tell one of us what we should do and...hey, what are you doing?  What?  WHAT?!  Yes, that person is now doing the exact opposite. 

So, in the spirit of the upcoming Independence Day holiday, I have to mention that this uncontrollable personality trait may have been shared by the gentlemen who felt it would be appropriate to throw a whole boatload of very expensive tea in the ocean and set the boat on fire.  Let freedom ring!  And I love you, James!  I'm so glad that you're my cousin.

Ridiculously Easy Pie Crust

1/4 C. vegetable shortening, lard, or butter
3/4 C. to 1 C. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 C. water, or more if necessary for consistency

Combine the dry ingredients. Blend in the fat. Add in the water, very lightly kneading to combine. Turn dough out onto a floured surface. Pat into a ball. Roll out with a floured rolling pin until uniformly about 1/4-inch (6mm) thick, being careful to alternate the direction you roll (N-S to E-W) and flipping the dough top to bottom at least once to ensure you end up with a round that is about the same thickness and isn't stuck onto the countertop. Fold the dough into a semicircle, then again to make a triangle with a rounded bottom. Transfer to your pie pan with the point of the triangle in the exact middle of your pan. Unfold. Shazam.
_________

I call this "Ridiculously Easy" because it is.  There is a wide-held, long-standing belief that making a good pie crust is similar to being able to do backflips in a leotard.  IE, that it takes years of practice and coaching and that only the truly gifted will ultimately be able to accomplish it.  This belief, as far as I can ascertain, arose out of the butter and lard rationing of the World War II era, prior to the invention of vegetable lard (or "shortening").  You will notice that this recipe has, by weight, three main ingredients.  I can see how it would be nearly impossible to make it if you had to eliminate one of them.  You can tell a true WWII-era pastry recipe if it requires combinations of whole eggs and separated eggs, vinegar, solitary confinement in the refrigerator or freezer, and more than five steps.  I have had some of those finished crusts, and they can be good if executed well.  But they can also be very, very bad.  Kind of like when the girl in the leotard misses the balance beam and gets the wedgie of a lifetime.  So, if you have access to any kind of fat, any kind at all, I recommend you steer clear of the WWII recipes and stick to the basics.  It'll be a walk in the park.

Peas Sicilian-Style / Showing Love By Breaking the Vacuum Cleaner

2 C. peas
1/2 sweet white onion
oil for sauteing
thyme or oregano to taste
salt to taste

Boil the peas in a minimum of water according to package directions or until tender (about 10 minutes).  In the meantime, slice the onion half lengthwise in very thin slices (so that you end up with strips, not cubes).  Heat the oil in a skillet.  Saute the onion until just tender.  Add in the peas.  Toss to coat.  Let cook a little longer to blend the flavors.  Season to taste.

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Grandmom told me this is another "feed the family" recipe.  You know, from back in the day when food was a family's biggest living expense, not rent or gas.  Great-grandmom Canduci, she told me, would use a single can of peas and make pasta and toss the cooked and seasoned peas in there to feed the whole family (eight people!) supper.

Grandmom imparted this recipe to me after I got done making the experimental chicken recipe from the magazine (too sweet) and, unbeknownst to her, breaking her vacuum cleaner in an attempt to fix it.  So, to clear up any confusion, non-commecial vacuum cleaners were not designed for the consumer to open the engine housing.  Even if it's to clean out critical amounts of dust that could cause the engine to ignite.  So don't even try getting a hand-crank drill after the cheap metal screws, because honestly, what are you going to do once you get done reaming them out?  Duct tape the housing back together and pretend like nothing happened?  (Tempting, but flammable, which defeats the original purpose of preventing your grandparents from cremating themselves.  Yes, a new vacuum purchase was the eventual end of this experiment.)

What happens when you try not to swear.

In response to my earlier beer muffin post, I do not think my Grandmom is lazy OR uncreative.  I just think she likes to try new things.  In addition, her kitchen is the source of many good things...including this story:

I was helping Grandmom wash dishes and I didn't realize the faucet was on "hot"...so I scalded myself and, in attempt to not swear in front of my deaf Grandmom I said (this is a direct quote): "Ow, bugger bugger Goddarn it!"

Beer Muffins

2-2/3 C. bisquick*
2 TB. sugar
1 12oz. can beer

Mix all together.  Grease and flour** muffin cups an fill about 2/3rds full of batter.  Bake for 12 minutes at 375F.  They will not get brown on top.
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*Update on American Educational Quality*

So I actually checked the mighty internet, source of all unbiased, recent, and totally accurate information, and apparently (according to several sites), the United States, while definitely below China on reading, math, AND science, did actually beat Germany in reading in 2003, when this assessment was done. (India did not choose to participate.)

Oh Beer Muffins...one of the few pakcages food-plus-packaged food combos that I truly enjoy.  Yes, maybe I am a snob.  But I am a self-sustaining snob!  Why bother eating out of a box when it's very nearly as easy to fix something recognizable from start to finish as food?  Whoa, I amost roamed into foodinista land.  So to be honest, the process of learning how to cook is not easy.  It takes years.  It's definitely a process.  But once you're there, or even marginally there, the actual cooking is not much worse than your average box mix.  Take for example, the instructions on packaged cookie mix.  "Combine mix, egg/oil/whatever the box calls for, and blend.  Roll out and cut.  Bake at x temp. for x minutes.  Enjoy."  Compare that with your average cookie recipe: "Combine x, y, z, q, r, s, lmnop.  Mix.  Roll out.  Bake at x temp for x minutes.  Enjoy!"  Basically, you have to be able to find more things in your kitchen to do it the homemade way.  I would add a caveat about accurate measuring except most box recipes (for cookies or otherwise) have you measure stuff too, even if it's just water.  Returning to the subject of Beer Muffins, my Grandmom recently showed me a box of beer muffin mix she bought.  Yes, it still requires a can of beer* (*not included), but additionally requires butter, which is not even in the original recipe!  What does this say about the American cook that this product is even for sale?  Have we really gotten that lazy?  Or that uncreative?  I vote "uncreative," since decades of American public schools trying to win the Space Race by requiring increasingly younger students to memorize increasingly longer lists of facts has, unsurprisingly, caused us not to beat China or Japan or India or even Germany at math and science ability.  Not that I'm dissing German scientists.

*Bisquick is a premixed product containing levening and salt and possibly some other things.  I haven't checked in a while.  Self-rising flour works just fine as a substitute.  Or look up a good equivalency recipe. (I can't remember off the top of my head how many teaspoons of baking powder/baking soda go into regular all-purpose flour to make it into "self-rising".)

**For optimum laziness, use a spray can of baking spray, which contains an aerosolized mixture of flour and oil.  Hey, it does work pretty well, and I've never noticed a funny taste on my baked goods after using it.

Bean & Pasta Soup / Cross-Cultural Family Fighting

1/2 C. uncooked small pasta*
1 C. canned or precooked kidney or garbanzo beans
2 C. chicken broth
1 onion, chopped
3 fresh tomatoes, chopped
1/2 C. cooked lima beans

Combine all ingredients in a soup pot.  Cook until pasta is tender.  If desired, serve topped with grated parmesan cheese and a teaspoonful of white wine.
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*By "small pasta", I mean any pasta shape that is pretty much bite-sized.  I don't know all the names of all the pasta varieties, but the ones my Grandmom uses most often are: stars, acini de pepe, elbows, and orzo.  Acini de pepe are little dots, kind of.  I pesonally am also fond of cooking with conchiglie and mostaccioli.  (Mini shells and mustaches!!!)

This is one of those Italian recipes where you can pretty much put in whatever you want to.  Therefore it is also one of those recipes where Italian mothers and daughters (and granddaughters, and greatgrandmothers) fight about mid-stove. 

Mother: NO!  You put in white kidney beans!  Otherwise is chili! 
Daughter: (Loooong, drawn-out sigh from daughter). 
Mother: OK, I see you no care how I feel!  (tears begin to glisten suggestively in mother's eyes)
Daughter: Look, the world is not going to end if I put in light red kidney beans.
Mother: FINE, do what you want!
Daughter: FINE!  I'LL STRAIN OUT THE RED KIDNEY BEANS!
Mother: No, no throw away!  Must not waste!  (tears mysteriously are now gone)
Daughter: (Innocent tone) Oh, ok, I see.  Well, the red ones are ok then?

Yes.  This soup is technically a quick meal, but it could take all day. In the end, no one will be poisoned by the wrong color of kidney bean, the mother will compliment the daughter on her cooking, the daughter will heave a sigh of relief and victory, and lunch will be heartily enjoyed by all.

The Kitchen Is for Cooking...and Swearing.

Yesterday I discovered a new swear word while in the kitchen.  How does one discover a new swear?  From my experience, it is like the way a chemist discovers a new element by manipulating raw materials.  When I discovered my Italian fruitcakes from the Talisman cookbook to be little burnt tasteless bricks after half the recommended baking time and a whole lot of expensive ingredients, I broke forth with my new swear.

DAMM DAMMERSON! 

Is a Swedish man who sneaks into your kitchen when you're not looking and f-'s up your baked goods with the real butter, hand-chopped walnuts, and hand-candied fruit.

So I have sung the praises of the Talisman cookbook in two posts now.  While it is true that I have eaten many of the foods named in that tome, the actual recipes provided tend be a hot mess.

The Pinza Bertoldese is a case in point.  What it should have been: light, sweet yeast bread with fruit and nuts and a hint of cocoa.  What the recipe called for: 5 cups of flour and 5 tablespoons of water.  For my metric afficionados, that's 75mL of fluid.  I should have stopped right there.  But oh no!  I'm smart, I thought to myself.  I don't need a guide to tell me how much water to put in bread dough.  What I didn't bargain for, but should have, was that apparently every other measurement in the recipe was similarly flawed.

This morning I had a similar experience with the liebkuchen I was attempting to make out of the original 1950-something Betty Crocker Picture Cookbook.  I don't know if tastes have changed since the 50's, but I can tell you right now that when I think "love cake" (a rough translation from the German), I don't think "a cookie that is simultaneously hard and chewy", also requiring expensive ingredients, an actual baking time half as long as the stated baking time, and, despite the inclusion in the recipe of: molasses, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, nutmeg, lemon peel, honey, and walnuts, NO FLAVOR.

So the lesson for today is "trust your instincts".  If a recipe sounds crappy, it probably is. Don't get lured astray by exotic or toothsome ingredients (which are also probably expensive).  Much like a truly diabolical boyfriend, things always sound better in the beginning.  When you're remixing your cookie dough at 10pm because it still isn't firm enough after being in the refrigerator for 5 hours, or wondering yet again why that guy forgot your birthday but bought you a card for no reason last week, it's time to quit while you're ahead.  Don't go down the aisle of actually bothering to cut out and put those bad boys in the oven.  Just throw the whole batch away and start over.

Roll Shapes

Round Rolls: tear off lumps of dough.  Roll into a ball.  Brush with butter if desired.  Let rise and bake as directed, either on a baking sheet or nestled down in the muffin cups of a muffin pan.

Cloverleaf Rolls: tear off three small lumps of dough.  Roll into three small balls.  Place the three balls in a muffin cup.  Let rise and bake as directed.

Fan-Tans: Roll out dough into a sheet about 1/2-inch thick.  Cut into rounds.  Place three or four rounds in a muffin cup edges up.  (So that they "fan out" like the pages in a book.)  Let rise and bake as directed.

Bowknots: Pull off a lump of dough.  Roll between your palms to make a "snake".  Tie into a knot.  Let rise and bake as directed.

Rosettes: Make a snake, as for bowknots (above).  When tying into a knot, pull one end of the snake up through the center so that it makes the center of the "rose".  Take the tail and tuck underneath the roll.  Let rise and bake as directed.

Plain or "Parker House" Rolls: Roll dough into a sheet about 1/2-inch thick.  Cut into rounds.  Let rise and bake as directed.

Pocketbook Rolls: Roll dough into a sheet about 1/2-inch thick.  Cut into rounds.  Fold rounds in half.  Lay resulting half-circles on their sides (so that the "pocket" is facing sideways).  Let rise and bake as directed.  Consequently, pocketbook rolls are the best for filling with things like ham or cheese prior to baking.  YUM.

Refrigerator Rolls / Yeast Homicide

2 cakes yeast (I used 2 packages of fast-rise yeast with success)
1/4 C. sugar
1 C. milk
1/2 C. shortening*
1 tsp. salt
3 beaten еggs***
5 C. flour**

Combine yeast with sugar.  Let stand 20 minutes****.  Scald milk.  Add shortening and salt.  Cool to lukewarm.  Add in yeast-sugar mixture and eggs.  Add flour, mixing thoroughly.  Turn out dough onto floured board and knead until satiny.  Place in a greased bowl.  Cover and set in a warm place to rise until double in bulk.  Knead again.  Form into a smooth ball and grease the surface.  Cover and keep in the refrigerator.  (I covered it with plastic wrap.)  Take out amount required each time, and keep remainder covered in refrigerator.

At this point the recipe goes on to name the 8 thousand roll shapes available, which I am not fixing to type here.  But be it known that you can make: cloverleaf rolls, pocketbook rolls, fan-tans, rosettes, bowknots, and braids, as well as plain cut-out rolls, which the book describes as "Parker House Rolls."  Which I think used to be a famous hotel or something.

Anyway, after you've inspired the nations with your roll-shaping prowess, the next step is to let your rolls rise until doubled again in a warm place and then bake at 425F for 15-20 minutes.
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In addition, refrigerator roll dough is good for making "oops people in the house want a fancy bread" bread.  IE, take your dough out of the refrigerator, then instead of cutting out rolls, roll the dough out in a sheet, put in a filling (ie cinnamon, sugar, and butter; raisins and sugar; jam, whatever floats your boat really), roll the m-fer back up (yes Grandmom I did just type that) and bake as directed.  (Maybe add 10-15 minutes since your dough is all in one lump instead of in cute little rolls.)  For extra style points, divide your dough into three portions before you roll it out, roll, fill, then braid it.  and glaze it with something fancy like confectioner's sugar and water (after it comes out of the oven) or milk or beaten egg whites (before it goes it).  All of a sudden, you are a culinary genius and highly marriageable in many cultures, and all you did was pull some dough out of the refrigerator.
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This recipe comes from "The Lily Wallace New American Cookbook," which was given to my grandmom upon her marriage in 1953.  It has the best recipes!  Primarily, in my opinion, because it was published prior to such items as "cream of-" soup, prepackaged mixes of all varieties, and process cheese food entering common use.  I could write a whole essay on process cheese food, but I think it says enough that its name is not even grammatically correct.
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*Shortening is a product made from cottonseed oil that is basically vegetable lard.  Wrap you mind around that one.  Despite the oxymoron of the phrase "vegetable lard", it actually works well in baked goods.  But hey, regular (animal) lard would work fine too.

**When I made these rolls, they ended up a little bready and I used more like 6-7 cups of flour.  I'm guessing this had to do with a change in flour processing between 1953 and 2011.  I would suggest: less kneading, don't use 7 cups of flour, but do try and use something like a "all-purpose unbleached whole wheat" flour.  IE, not the grainy kind of whole wheat flour but the kind that looks like bread/cake flour but has a little more texture (and a lot more nutrition, honestly) than regular bleached all-purpose flour.  To return to "less kneading", I would say that for the first rising period, just mix the ingredients together until the dough is shaggy and pulls away from the sides of the bowl, then let it rise.  Let the satinizing wait until before the 2nd rising.

***Re: 3 eggs.  You can play this two ways.  #1-- let your eggs come to room temperature, then follow the recipe per directions.  #2-- scald the milk (I did it in the microwave, with the unmelted shortening in the beaker to, you know, melt while the milk was being heated), then added a little milk at a time to the refrigerator-temperature eggs to prevent them from curdling them in the hot milk, then dumped the resulting egg-milk mixture into the rest of the hot milk all at once, thus lowering the temperature of the hot milk and mixing in the eggs in one fell swoop.

****Let stand 20 minutes.  I have not personally seen a cake of yeast in my lifetime.  If cake yeast is what you have, follow the directions as written.  If you have granulated yeast in packets, then mix the dry yeast and sugar as directed, but then after your scalded milk/eggs/shortening combo has become lukewarm, add in the yeast and sugar and allow it about 5 minutes to "proof", eg grow and wake up from being in the refrigerator.  Because soon it will be the burning time.  Yes.  In the oven.  TAKE THAT VEGANS, EVERY TIME YOU EAT A PIECE OF YEAST BREAD, MILLIONS OF MICROORGANISMS DIED A FIERY DEATH FOR YOU.  PS Please forgive my sick sense of humor.  This will likely result in a mass vegan-eschewing of products made with yeast and consequently the first mass outbreak of beriberi since the 1940's.  Progress, thy name is "adults who define their identities by what they refuse to eat."
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