Hello all! I hope to post some tastylicious recipes for you to enjoy in the next few weeks, reversing the trend of several months, ie "not posting at all ever, like, ever". To break the fast I bring you:
Slap Your Momma Biscuits
Why are they called this? I don't know, and I named them. Let me clarify. Here in the American South, we have this phrase, "It/They was/were so good, they made/will make I/me/you/everyone on the planet slap your/his/her/their Momma." Okay. But, why? Why is something so tasty or delightful that it makes a person want to hit their mother? I don't know. It defies my reason. By the same logic, a person could say, "Oh my, this train is so on-time it makes me want to fart inappropriately in an elevator!" or "I love my girlfriend so much that I want to ask her to marry me and then put minor body damage on a stranger's car!" Not that I'm negating the actual offense of mother-slapping. It's just that the implied offense in the "slap yo momma" phrase is similar to stinky farts or not leaving a note when your shopping cart leaves a scrape. But, at the end of the day, when someone says "such and such is sooo good, it'll make you want to slap yo momma!" they mean it is THAT good. SO GOOD. OH MY HEAVENLY HOSTS THERE ARE ANGELS DANCING ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE. So let's get down to it. Just don't slap yo momma. Or told her you wanted to slap her. Or she may slap you in a pre-emptive mother slapping strike.
By the way, this is definitely one of those recipes where the technique is actually more important than the list of the ingredients. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Slap Your Momma Biscuits
1-1/2 C. SIFTED flour. IE, sift it into the measuring cup, or sift it and then measure it, but by all means DO NOT measure it and then sift it!
2 TB. shortening or lard
2 TB. soft butter + extra for brushing on the top
1/2 tsp. salt
1-1/2 tsp. single-acting (aluminum-free) or 3/4 tsp. double-acting ("regular") baking powder
1/2 to 3/4 C. buttermilk*
Preheat the oven to 450F. Combine the sifted flour with the salt and baking powder. Cut in the shortening and butter until the mixture has a grainy, sandy texture. If you need more of the fat, add more shortening for crustiness or more butter for tenderness. Gently mix in the buttermilk until the dough is moist and can be patted into a shape. Proceed to turn the dough out onto a floured surface and pat it into a shape. These biscuits are crustiest when you pat the dough 1/2 inch thick and then cut them into rounds with a SHARP biscuit cutter. They are fluffier if you pinch off the dough into golfball-sized chunks and then softly pat them into a round shape. Either way, do not overwork the dough! By "not overworking", I mean that the process should literally process (proh-CESS) like this if you're getting ready to cut out rounds, for example: "Dumdedum, mixing in the buttermilk, dumping it out, pat pat, nudge nudge, a little more patting DONE." Basically, as soon as you have the dough in a defined shape you've worked it enough. Otherwise your product will be tough little items useful for sporting practice, or deterring the local racoon from your garden by show of force, but not for eating. Take it from me, the person who learned how to make pastry before she learned how to make biscuits and paid dearly for it. Returning to the subject, put your biscuits nestled up to each other with their sides touching on your baking pan or ideally your cast iron skillet, and brush or spread a little pat of butter on each top. (I just spread it on, but it would be easier I guess if it were melted?) Then, bake them in your nice hot oven, without peaking (except to look through the glass door with the oven light on, if you are so blessed) for about 10 minutes, or until the tops are golden brown. If you are not blessed with a glass door and an oven light, wait at least 5 minutes before checking on them. When they are done, take them out and let them cool off a minute or so before devouring them like hungry animals with lots of butter, honey, jam, gravy, or whatever you like to put on biscuits. Seriously, they're that good. They're pretty good leftover too. So maybe I should rechristen them "Hungry Animal Biscuits." Naaah.
*You can make your own buttermilk by combining the total volume minus 1-2 TB of milk with 1-2 TB vinegar or lemon juice. Either option tastes fine.
Slap Your Momma Biscuits
Why are they called this? I don't know, and I named them. Let me clarify. Here in the American South, we have this phrase, "It/They was/were so good, they made/will make I/me/you/everyone on the planet slap your/his/her/their Momma." Okay. But, why? Why is something so tasty or delightful that it makes a person want to hit their mother? I don't know. It defies my reason. By the same logic, a person could say, "Oh my, this train is so on-time it makes me want to fart inappropriately in an elevator!" or "I love my girlfriend so much that I want to ask her to marry me and then put minor body damage on a stranger's car!" Not that I'm negating the actual offense of mother-slapping. It's just that the implied offense in the "slap yo momma" phrase is similar to stinky farts or not leaving a note when your shopping cart leaves a scrape. But, at the end of the day, when someone says "such and such is sooo good, it'll make you want to slap yo momma!" they mean it is THAT good. SO GOOD. OH MY HEAVENLY HOSTS THERE ARE ANGELS DANCING ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE. So let's get down to it. Just don't slap yo momma. Or told her you wanted to slap her. Or she may slap you in a pre-emptive mother slapping strike.
By the way, this is definitely one of those recipes where the technique is actually more important than the list of the ingredients. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Slap Your Momma Biscuits
1-1/2 C. SIFTED flour. IE, sift it into the measuring cup, or sift it and then measure it, but by all means DO NOT measure it and then sift it!
2 TB. shortening or lard
2 TB. soft butter + extra for brushing on the top
1/2 tsp. salt
1-1/2 tsp. single-acting (aluminum-free) or 3/4 tsp. double-acting ("regular") baking powder
1/2 to 3/4 C. buttermilk*
Preheat the oven to 450F. Combine the sifted flour with the salt and baking powder. Cut in the shortening and butter until the mixture has a grainy, sandy texture. If you need more of the fat, add more shortening for crustiness or more butter for tenderness. Gently mix in the buttermilk until the dough is moist and can be patted into a shape. Proceed to turn the dough out onto a floured surface and pat it into a shape. These biscuits are crustiest when you pat the dough 1/2 inch thick and then cut them into rounds with a SHARP biscuit cutter. They are fluffier if you pinch off the dough into golfball-sized chunks and then softly pat them into a round shape. Either way, do not overwork the dough! By "not overworking", I mean that the process should literally process (proh-CESS) like this if you're getting ready to cut out rounds, for example: "Dumdedum, mixing in the buttermilk, dumping it out, pat pat, nudge nudge, a little more patting DONE." Basically, as soon as you have the dough in a defined shape you've worked it enough. Otherwise your product will be tough little items useful for sporting practice, or deterring the local racoon from your garden by show of force, but not for eating. Take it from me, the person who learned how to make pastry before she learned how to make biscuits and paid dearly for it. Returning to the subject, put your biscuits nestled up to each other with their sides touching on your baking pan or ideally your cast iron skillet, and brush or spread a little pat of butter on each top. (I just spread it on, but it would be easier I guess if it were melted?) Then, bake them in your nice hot oven, without peaking (except to look through the glass door with the oven light on, if you are so blessed) for about 10 minutes, or until the tops are golden brown. If you are not blessed with a glass door and an oven light, wait at least 5 minutes before checking on them. When they are done, take them out and let them cool off a minute or so before devouring them like hungry animals with lots of butter, honey, jam, gravy, or whatever you like to put on biscuits. Seriously, they're that good. They're pretty good leftover too. So maybe I should rechristen them "Hungry Animal Biscuits." Naaah.
*You can make your own buttermilk by combining the total volume minus 1-2 TB of milk with 1-2 TB vinegar or lemon juice. Either option tastes fine.
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