Me Versus Cake: Round 1

I win!  I WIN!  Round One goes to MEEEEEEE!

Okay, details.

Cake: declared delicious by all.
Cake making process: went off with only one hitch.
Cake assembling process: the same.

So basically, this is how it went down:

I stepped into the ring: my tiny apartment kitchen.  It was a tag team of me and my 10-year old cousin versus the cake, the stove, the oven, and the lack of counter space.  Did I mention the hand-me-down Aldi's stand mixer?  So basically, 5 against 1 and a half. 

We assumed fighting posture in our luchadora ensembles of a zoo souvenir apron and a recently handmade apron.  The cake stared back at us in its many parts.  "Ha ha," it seemed to be laughing villainously, "you can't even fit all my ingredients on the same counter with the mixer!  And you only have a liquid measuring cup.  I laugh in your silly faces!" 

But my cousin and I were not to be defeated so easily.  We measured.  We sifted.  We added in the correct order.  The cake appeared taken aback by our efficiency and accuracy of attack.  We had not seen the last of its fight, though, as it rose defiantly to twice its desired height in the oven, taking on the appearance of a very large cupcake that refused to bake fully only in the very center of the very highest part. 

The cake's perfidy largely went unnoticed, though, while my cousin and I struggled against a new foe who had leaped into the ring in a surprise attack, metal folding chair held high: the homemade frosting.  This opponent, despite his unsubtle approach, led us into a false sense of security by appearing to come together as requested.  However, in a surprise offensive it suddenly became both watery and oily!  My cousin and I retired to the ropes for a rest, and upon mature reflection decided that the only place for such a nasty opponent was the Big Chill.  So into the freezer it went to think about what it had done. 

Now we discovered the cake and its cancerous growth.  Remembering the words of a wise sensei, the proprietress of the Sugar Drop baking supply store, I let both layers have it with a wet towel...draped over the top,while it was still in the pan.  I then gently pummeled the cupcake into cake shape before inverting it on a wire rack to continue cooling.  Now, for the frosting. 

Oh la la!  It had spitefully taken our suggestion that it "cool off a little" literally and had become lumpy but yet still not set.  A little exercise in the Aldi's hand-me-down mixer soon literally whipped it into shape.  Now for the final assembly. 

I sent my cousin into the living room (aka 10 feet away with no walls) so that I could launch my final offensive with complete concentration.  The physical pugilism had by this point subsided and the cake, frosting, and I were locked in more cerebral cat-and-mouse game in which I attempted to torte and fill and frost my layers into a level tier and the cake attempted to slide sideways and resist all efforts to appear like a cohesive unit with an evenly thick layer of frosting. 

In the meantime, my cousin, in her boredom, danced around the living room practicing her "Golem" voice until my patience could take no more and I requested that she do something quiet and still like play solitaire with an actual deck of cards.  Surprisingly, she did.  And the cake came together at last, frosted, filled, layered, torted, beautiful if slightly lopsided.  Here it is.

 

Ginger Oat Cake / Grandmom Earns Her Life of Leisure

Ginger Oat Cake

Preheat the oven to 350F.

(whisk together)
1 C. all-purpose flour
1/2 C. whole wheat flour
1/2 C. rolled oats (like you would eat for breakfast, also the regular kind, not the "quick" kind)
1/2 tsp. salt
1-1/2 tsp. baking soda

(beat together, in the following order)
1/2 cup oil (I used almond, also to use it up, but canola or some other mild-flavored oil would be fine)
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 C. molasses
1/2 C. powdered sugar (or regular granulated sugar, I just used powdered to use it up)
2-3 TB. fresh ginger paste or about 1-1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1/2 tsp. ground black pepper

Combine the two mixtures, stirring until just thoroughly mixed (ie no clumps of flour or ginger floating about) and then stopping.  (Too much stirring could make the cake tough.)

Grease and flour a medium-sized glass baking dish-- I think mine is 6 inches by 10 inches by 2-3 inches deep-- and pour the batter in, and bake for 30-45 minutes (depending on whether your oven runs hot or not-- mine does) or until the cake passes the toothpick test.  (I will repeat it for thoroughness: stick a toothpick or even a fork or the tip of a knife into the thickest part of your baked good, and if it doesn't have gooey blobs of batter on it, or thick moist crumbs stuck on it-- both signs of varying degrees of not-doneness, but does maybe have a couple of small crumbs on it and is otherwise still clean and dry, then your baked good is done.)  If you like, slice the cake while it's still in the pan and top it with:

Microwave Hot Lemon Sauce, for Those of Us Who Don't Like to Dirty Two Additional Pans for 1 Cup of Sauce or Spend More Time Making the Sauce Than The Cake

(microwave on high, for about 2 minutes)
1/2 C. water

(meanwhile, mix in a small bowl...)
1/2 C. powdered sugar
1 beaten egg
1/4 C. butter

Once the water in the microwave is bubbling hot, remove it and pour it slowly over the sugar mixture, stirring all the while.  Then, put that in the microwave, also on high, for about 3 minutes, removing it every 45 seconds to 1 minute to stir it vigorously with a fork.  Stop microwaving it when it gets thick.  Then, stir in about:

1-2 TB. lemon juice, or, equivalently, the juice of about half a lemon.
_________

I am enjoying the slow process of cleaning out my cabinets.  I think those around me are also enjoying it!  It works out well for my creative process and for my need to not get diabetes.
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The last time I went to visit Grandmom, she told me the story of how she retired.

Grandmom worked at, I think, the same factory her whole working life.  It was boring, but it was good pay, and Grandmom has always been good at sewing, so it played to her strengths.  Plus, she got to hang out with her friends on lunch and scheduled breaks.  It's New Jersey, which is a union state.  If a union could have negotiated scheduled foot massages, it would have by now.  Unions in the US, to enter onto a tangent, seem to have progressed on the "shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations" plan and, like all who go down that unfavorable road, it is their own fault and nobody else's.  If the unions had just quit at fair working hours and safe working conditions, everybody would still love the unions.  Instead, they got pompous and cocky around the 1970s, much like the overly-coddled son of a bootstrap millionaire, with the predictable results that always follow too much throwing your weight around. 

Anyway, to return to my story.  Grandmom and her unionized friends engaged in much friendly rivalry, like all women in the workplace.  This included the Secret Bird, otherwise known as flipping someone off across the room while pretending to adjust your glasses.  This was mostly before contacts, so almost everyone wore glasses.  Even Grandmom and Aunt Kitty flipped each other off on occasion.  Gotta love it. Amongst all this Secret Bird Flipping and break-taking, my Grandmom became one of the best sewers in the factory, and was entrusted with the trickiest work.  During all of this, the factory changed hands and Grandmom got a new boss.  This new boss did not like fixing his equipment.  You would think this would be an intuitive act in a factory-- to make sure the factory equipment still worked, much like the hiring and retaining of the workers to run said equipment.  However, history is about to prove us wrong. 

Grandmom's specialized sewing machine would break.  She would go tell the boss.  He would, instead of having someone trained in sewing machine repair come fix it, come over himself, pound on it like a Neanderthal trying to invent fire, and leave.  It would work for another few minutes, hours, or days.  Then this process would repeat itself. Did I mention the as-frequent complaints of this same boss about how Grandmom's productivity was subpar? Eventually Grandmom decided to leave.  She did.  The boss came personally to her house to beg her to come back.  She made him swear a solemn oath to fix the machine once and for all.  He made that oath.  Grandmom went back.  The machine wasn't fixed.  So, one day a couple of weeks later, she decided to sneak out in stealth.  Around lunchtime, she collected her personal things and went home claiming to be eating out.  And she never returned!  And she has enjoyed a life of leisure ever since! 

Grandpop retired a few years later and maintained their marital bliss by being faithful to his true loves: gameshows and sports on the television.  At least once a visit Grandmom comments in disgust that all Grandpop does is sit on the couch and watch tv and yet he never gains a pound!  In Grandpop's defense, earlier in his retirement he also: barbequed the best rotisserie chickens ever; maintained the front and back lawns in golf-course-like perfection; vacuumed (including chasing the dog around with it, not out of malice but sheer fur anxiety); drove Grandmom around like a professional chauffeur; and messed around in the basement and the garage with assorted tools.  However, despite Grandpop's diminishing activity over the years, it is true that he still has never really put on weight, despite also having a notorious sweet tooth that can only be satisfied by glasses of Boost! with every meal and cake and coffee every night a couple of hours after dinner.  You know, so there's room.  It's enough to make any woman disgusted.

Fudge Sauce / Determination-Flavored Yogurt

I made this recipe up because of an unfortunate event that has occured in the last few weeks.  Here's the story: several months ago, I went to the store to get some things and discovered yogurt with chocolate on the bottom.  Not fruit.  Not a fruit-based derivative.  Straight up chocolate.  I bought other, more conventional flavors, as well as the chocolate-on-the-bottom with my mind open and my reservations alert and ready.  No need.  It was delicious!  I have, in a back part of my brain, been meaning to go get some more ever since.  However, at some point in the time between when I bought it and when I (recently) returned to that store, the store decided to no longer carry it.  Not that brand.  Not that "style" (oh, yogurt styles...there are now a thousand of them), just that flavor.  I was so upset that I pouted (which, with my strict upbringing, I have only recently learned to do) up at the disappointing and conventional fruit flavors displayed along the top shelf.   And then I put the toe of one foot on the lip of the refrigerator case and hoisted myself to eye level with the yogurts, hoping to find one last chocolate-on-the-bottom hidden in the back.  If my thoughts had been verbalized, they would have gone something like, "I do not care if you have been back there up to and past your expiration date!  Others may not be willing to risk it, but I love you, chocolate-on-the-bottom yogurt!"  After several hopeful seconds of scanning the back of the shelf, I descended from my perch disappointed.  Whether it was the pouting or the climbing, or both, a nearby store patron then chivalrously offered to help me get whatever it was I was trying to get.  Sometimes sharing your feelings with others is healthy!  Especially when people unexpectedly offer to get things off of high shelves for you.

Anyway, I was not one to give up so easy.  I had already, in full public view, climbed on an appliance in the grocery store!  Undeterred, I went home with the idea of recreating the blissfulness of chocolate-on-the-bottom yogurt in my kitchen by basically putting chocolate sauce on the bottom of a reusable cup of yogurt.  And I did.  And this is the chocolate sauce recipe!  I will offer it with some variation options and caveats, since my approach was somewhat unconventional.

Chocolate Sauce for Yogurt

1/2 a Dove bar
2 TB. cocoa powder
2-3 TB. half & half
1-2 tsp. light corn syrup
1-2 tsp. butter

Melt the chocolate over low-medium heat.  Stir in the cocoa powder (it will make a coarse meal).  Add in the butter, which will then melt and help better blend together the cocoa powder and chocolate bar.  Reduce the heat to the lowest setting and stir in the corn syrup and half & half, adding a little more cocoa powder if you want your sauce a little thicker.  Your sauce is done when there are not lumps of cocoa left and the sauce looks smooth and glossy.  Spoon it into a prepared glass jar (a small one-- maybe 4 oz. at the most) and let it cool a couple of minutes before refrigeration.  When you're ready, put 2 spoonfuls of chocolate sauce on the bottom of a reusable container, then fill it to the top with yogurt!  This appears to make about eight 6 oz. yogurt cups-worth of chocolate sauce.

This is how I actually made it, because it's what I had on hand and also because I was too stubborn to break into the half-a-package of legitimate chocolate chips that I also had and hope to use to make a chocolate babka with next week.  It tastes good to me, but if you used probably about 2-3 oz. of semisweet chocolate chips in place of the cocoa powder and Dove bar combo it would probably be creamier, and also more like a milk chocolate sauce than a dark chocolate sauce.

Apple Spice Coffee Cake / The Smoking Foodgun

Apple Spice Coffee Cake

Filling
3 large apples, cored, peeled, and coarsely chopped
juice of 1 orange
1 C. dark brown sugar
2-3 TB. butter
1/4 C. sultana raisins (optional).

Melt the butter in a skillet.  Melt the sugar in the butter.  Dump in the apples and juice.  Let simmer until the apples are fully cooked.  If you want the raisins, add them at the same time that you add the apples.

Batter
1-2/3 C. unbleached all-purpose flour
2/3 C. whole wheat flour
1 pkg. yeast
1/2 C. milk
2 eggs
1/3 C. granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cardamom
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
2 TB. ginger paste -or- 1 tsp. powdered ginger
1/4 C. oil

Mix together the dry ingredients.  Warm the milk.  Add in the yeast and let it proof (1-5 minutes, depending on whether it's regular or quick-rise).  In a separate bowl from the flour, mix together the yeast mixture, the eggs, and the oil.  Beat this into the flour mixture, stirring for about 1 minute or until the dough starts to pull away from the sides slightly.  Let rise in a warm place about 30 minutes to 1 hour (again, depending on your yeast).  Grease and flour a bundt pan and preheat the oven to 350F.  Pour half the batter into the pan.  Pour in the filling.  Top with the remainder of the batter and bake for about 40 minutes.  (You might have to tent the top of the cake for the last 10 minutes or so, depending on how hot your oven runs.  It should be a nice medium brown on top, though.)  Take the cake out after it passes the toothpick test and let it cool for about 15 minutes before attempting to cut it. 

I had apples, so I used apples, but another alternative is to use two or three jars of orange marmalade and skip the whole "making a filling" step.  That would bring out the spices more and be a lot easier.  It is tasty as an apple cake, for sure.
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In my search for a pan while cooking dinner, I discovered the manual to a vintage kitchen appliance I own called "the Foodgun".  I know.  It sounds like it should be illegal in schools and on planes and public property.  In reality, it is a spritz cookie maker and, according to the ambitions of the manufacturer, the most useful tool in our kitchens since the fork.  Have a bunch of cooked unfilled manicotti laying around?  Problem solved!  Use the Foodgun.  Need to turn plain mashed potatoes into a gourmet dish via shooting them out of a motorized canister?  Shabam, the Foodgun gives you "Duchess Potatoes".  Its uses potentially are limited only by the human imagination of things that need to be filled and substances that can be shot into those things.  In addition, the manufacturer provided a helpful "FAQ" section at the back that makes Dr. Dre look like an amateur at spinning.  Example: "Q. Is it dishwasher safe?  A. The motor housing is not immersible, but easily cleans with a damp cloth.  It's possible to put the separate parts in the dishwasher--but not advisable....Besides, they're so easily cleaned with a soak and a wipe that it's hardly worth the time to put them in the dishwasher."  (Emphasis mine.)  Excuse me, but until I have a personal attendant who enjoys applying "a soak and a wipe" to dishwasher-safe items, it is still worth the time for me to put them in the dishwasher.  Furthermore, I cannot imagine the "soak and a wipe" that would be both quick and sufficient to remove a thick, sticky layer of extruded cookie dough from the inside of a plastic barrel.  It would involve much more than that.  Possibly two soaks.  And definitely about a thousand wipes.  Or the dishwasher.  Just come out and say it if it's not dishwasher safe.  There is no such thing as "marginally dishwasher safe", except, apparently, in the minds of the makers of the Foodgun. 

This Foodgun in particular came to me by a circuitous route.  It was originally given to Grandmom as a Christmas or birthday present, and it was something she wanted.  However, it turned out not to be exactly what she thought it was, or something to that effect, so she hung onto it for a while and then regifted it to my mom at her bridal shower.  Remember, this was about thirty years before "regifting" was even a word.  But Grandmom did it!  My mom knew about it and was fine with it.  Eventually she tried it out, and it too wasn't quite what she had in mind.  So, she gave it back to Grandmom, where it sat in the basement for the next 25 years until Grandmom asked me if I wanted to poke around there and see if there was anything I wanted for my first apartment (on approval, of course).  I haven't tried it out yet.  Honestly, I'm kind of afraid to. 

Also, my not using it allows it to last longer and therefore possibly become the most epic regifting since the Ugly Sweater Episode.  In a nutshell, either my Great-aunt Kitty or my Grandmom or possibly their respective Mother-in-law/Mother gave it to one of them.  It was, by both their reports, really ugly.  Yet it was mandatory for whoever got it first to wear it occasionally out of respect for one's elders.  Until somebody got the brilliant idea to "accidentally" lose it at the other one's house.  In a very hidden location.  At first, the finder, whoever it was (Grandmom or Aunt Kitty), thought it was an accident and tried to give it back.  The ugly sweater returned, and the game was on.  Over the course of about 15 years the ugly sweater traded houses multiple times and also went to Myrtle Beach and Upstate Pennsylvania, (in various hands) and also once to Paris, France.  (Grandmom was responsible for that one, sneaking it into a packed suitcase on pretense of using the bathroom at Aunt Kitty's house the day before she left on vacation.)  As you can imagine, over time the methods of sweater delivery had to become more sophisticated.  It got mailed.  It got "Return to Sender"-ed.  It came in the back of a framed picture.  Of course it got given for Christmas along with a more legitimate gift at least once apiece.  It goes without saying that every coat closet in both their respective houses got paid a visit by the ugly sweater, while the deliverer tried to sneak out without having to retrieve it, sometimes with success.  (I remember Grandmom telling me she was so frustrated on one occasion because she had checked every closet multiple times during a visit from Aunt Kitty and Aunt Kitty still managed to sneak the ugly sweater in somehow right before she left.)  So, with my vintage Foodgun approaching its fourth holder and decade, I think I can definitely continue the tradition, if I find just the right victim...er...recipient.

Gingersnaps / Never Tell a 13-year-old that 1=0

Gingersnaps

3/4 C. butter
2 C. flour
1 C. sugar plus about 1/3 C. in a small bowl for coating
1 egg
2 tsp. soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 C. molasses
1 tsp. ginger

Preheat the oven to 350F.  Combine the dry ingredients.  Cream together the butter and sugar.  Beat in the eggs and molasses.  Combine the wet with the dry, kneading the dough a little by hand if needed to blend everything together into a uniform ball of dough.  Break off walnut-sized lumps of dough and roll them into small balls.  Roll each dough ball in the extra sugar and place about 1 inch apart on cookie sheets.  Bake at 350F for 12 minutes, or until the dough has set and puffed slightly.  Remove from the oven and let cool.  They are really done, I promise.  They will fall a little bit after you take them out, but that's normal-- if you leave them in the oven too long they will scorch and also be too hard.
_________

Never tell a 13-year-old that 1=0.  Okay, let's begin at the beginning.  Why would you never tell a 13-year-old that 1=0?  Because that person could be my mother.

It was the late '60s.  My mom was in high school.  Because she was bright, she was a little bit younger than the other kids.  She was in all the advanced classes.  One of the advanced classes was a science class (if she told me which one, I've forgotten).  In that science class, the teacher informed his class, as a piece of triviality, that anyone could shut down the most complicated computer by programming it with the information that 1=0.  Interesting, my mother thought.  I wonder if that's really true.  And she filed that one away. 

Flash forward to the very special field trip that some of the better students were taken on.  It was to one of the universities that had one of the newest computers in their research department.  My mother was on that field trip.  The computer took up a whole room.  (Remember, it was the late sixties.)  The grad students there were very excited to have these high school students to show around and tell all about their new exciting big fancy computer.  And then they made their fatal mistake.  They told those high school students that, for a short while, they could play around with it.  I mean, what could go wrong?  They weren't factoring in my mother.  All the time since that fateful science class my mother had been hoping to test her teacher's statement.  And so she did, neatly and correctly  entering it into the computer.

The grad students couldn't figure out what went wrong-- one moment there were a bunch of kids barely out of puberty playing with ENIAC Jr or whatever it was called, and then it suddenly shut off and wouldn't turn back on.  Because my mother acted like she had no idea what had happened.  Sadly, the field trip ended early. 

Blackberry Ice Cream Cordial

Blackberry Ice Cream Cordial

1 pint good blackberry ice cream
blackberry jam
butter cookies

Soften the ice cream.  Spoon it into 4 teacups or, if you have them (I did) small dessert molds.    Smooth the top, then drop a heaping spoonful of blackberry jam down the middle.  Smooth the top again.  Freeze.  When you're ready to serve them, prepare a bowl of hot water.  Dip each mold or teacup into the hot water for just a few seconds, then turn it over a dessert plate to unmold the ice cream.  Stick 2-3 butter cookies at jaunty angles in the top.  Shazaam, fancy dessert!  Serves 4.
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In retrospect, it would have been pretty good, and also jammier, to fill half a mold up, spread a layer of jam, then top off the mold with more ice cream.  I guess it depends how much jam you feel like you need in your life.  I admit to eating spoonfuls of the leftover jam straight out of the fridge.  (It's really good jam!)
I called this "Cordial", not because it has any cordial (ergo, blackberry-flavored wine) in it, but because I made it for a small dinner party with some friends, and so it was a "cordial" dessert.  Ha ha ha.  C'mon, laugh with me.  Call it whatever you want, it's basically a fancy ice cream.  I created this dessert so that I could make it ahead of time AND so I would NOT be left with acres of cake or cookies after the fact.  That way I could dedicate my time on the day of the dinner party on the "real" (non-sugar-based) food.  The secret to it all is to use really good versions of each of the ingredients.  I followed both of these principles, and as a result the whole dessert cost me about $10 to buy the ingredients and tasted really good.

Zucchini Bread

3 eggs
2-1/4 C. sugar
2 C. shredded zucchini*
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1 C. chopped nuts
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 C. oil
3 C. flour
4 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. salt

Preheat the oven to 350F.  Mix together the eggs, oil, and zucchini.  In a separate bowl, whisk together** all of the dry ingredients except the nuts.  Combine the two mixtures, then fold in the nuts***.  Grease and flour two loaf pans.  Pour the batter equally into the two pans and bake for one hour or until they pass the toothpick test****.  Let cool before slicing.  Good with butter on top!
_________

"Good with butter on top!"  Once I got to four stars, I just gave up.  I think everything is good with butter on top, especially all things bread. 

****"The toothpick test" is what I call that part of the recipe that goes "until a toothpick inserted [in the middle] comes out clean."  Excuse me, but what middle, what is the definition of "clean", and why is this important?  All questions I used to ask myself when I was a less-experienced baker.  So I'm going to answer them for you. 

1) "In the middle": in all honesty, the best test is to poke the baked item in two or three places, one of which should be the middle, or the thickest part, whichever is thicker.

2) "the definition of clean": depends on your baked good.  For example, since this a fairly moist sweet bread, I would consider "toothpick emerges with a few moist crumbs sticking to it" to indicate doneness.  For a full-on cake (like a yellow cake or pound cake) I would hold out until the toothpick came out with nothing on it.  If at any time gooey stuff, even gooey crumbs, are apparent on your toothpick, put that bad boy back in the oven and try again in a few minutes.  While we're on the subject, unless you want to heat the whole house with your oven, get you some hot pads, take the baking pan fully out of the oven and close the oven door while you're checking it.  This prevents additional baking time while the oven regains all the heat lost while you crouched in front of the oven door doing the toothpick test.  (It goes without saying...or does it?...that you then set your baking dish on some other heat resistant surface like the stovetop after closing the oven but before trying to stick a toothpick in it.)  Incidentally, spellcheck wanted me to replace "stovetop" with "stevedore."  I don't think a stevedore would appreciate a hot baking dish being set on top of him, and since he's a stevedore he, like a mule (according to my uncle) is big enough to do something about it.

3) This is important because otherwise you will have pancake batter on your plate instead of a luscious fully-cooked baked good when you go to cut it.

***"Fold in the nuts": saving the nuts for last ensures that they are fully incorporated, and also prevents them sinking to the bottom of your bread while it bakes.

**Some people bother to sift things with an actual sifter.  Some recipes call for "thus and such amount sifted ingredient" which is a crafty way of saying "first sift this and get [ingredient] all over your countertop, then try to measure fairy dust, then repeat when you only have half as much as you need."  I avoid those recipes.  This recipe calls for the amount you need to dump out of the flour jar into the bowl.  Then use a wire whisk (like you use for scrambled eggs) and whisk all the dry stuff with the whisk.  It fluffs up your dry ingredients so your bread will be light and causes that much less heartache in he kitchen.  It's neater, too.

*Now the zucchini, on the other hand...shred you some zucchini.  If you happen to have a garden, rejoice in the amount of whole zucchinis you need to make up 2 cups of shredded zucchini. 

Old-Fashioned Sundaes / Taking "bite me" too far

2-3 scoops of vanilla ice cream
pineapple jelly
creme de menthe
spray whipped cream
maraschino cherries

Put the ice cream in a fancy dish, because this is the 50's and ice cream is still an event.  Put the rest on top.  Go ahead, put six cherries on, that's what they're for.  Eat up.
________

I have many fond memories of these sundaes.  They are weird and delicious, as are the best parts of life.  In fact, I hearby officially repudiate all that is vanilla womanhood.  I work with a lot of women, and therefore it makes my opinion and expert opinion when I say I have had all I can take of personalities like perfectly formed ice-cream scoops with exactly one half a banana, spray whipped cream and a single cherry on top.  "Don't mess my topping" is how those sundaes go through life.  Life is messy, life is sticky, and life is definitely imperfect and that's exactly the way I like it.  With creme de menthe and pineapple jelly on top.

Ricotta Pie

Crust1/2 C. unseasoned breadcrumbs
1/4 C. butter

Filling
1 C. golden raisins
1/2 C. flour
zest of 1 orange
zest of 1 lemon
2 15oz. containers of ricotta cheese or 2 recipes-worth of fresh ricotta cheese
1 C. sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
6 eggs

8-inch* springform pan

Using the butter, grease the inside of the springform pan generously.  Swirl the breadcrumbs around inside to coat.  In a mixing bowl, combine the raisins and flour, then blend in the zests.  Set aside.  In a separate bowl, mix together the ricotta cheese, sugar, salt, and vanilla.  Add in the eggs one at a time.  Fold in the raisin mixture and stir to combine, the pour all into your prepared pan.  Heat the oven to 350F and bake for 60-70 minutes.  (It will not look like it is done.)  Set it out to cool, then slice and serve.
________

Grandmom was kind of unclear about the correct size of pan.  She did say that the pie should come about halfway up the sides of the pan when you pour it in.  Otherwise, the pie will be a little tough when it bakes because the filling is too thin in the pan.

Italian Rum Cake

2 small packages of instant chocolate pudding, made with 2 tsp. rum extract, or actual rum
2 small packages instant vanilla pudding, plain or made with 2 tsp. amaretto
chocolate jimmies (like what you put on top of ice cream)
2-3 packages of almond biscotti
1 carton of whipped topping, thawed
a jar of maraschino cherries

Cut the biscotti in half lengthwise and lay in a single layer on the bottom of a 9 x 13 inch glass baking dish.  Spread with the prepared vanilla instant pudding.  Lay another layer of biscotti over the top of the vanilla pudding.  Spread the prepared chocolate pudding over the top.  Cover and chill in refrigerator overnight, to allow the chocolate and vanilla puddings to soften the biscotti.  Immediately before serving, spread the whipped topping over the top.  Sprinkle liberally with the chocolate jimmies and rinsed maraschino cherries (so the totally unnatural but delicious red-dyed syrup doesn't stain your pretty white whipped topping).

______

Italian Rum Cake is an interesting dish.  The best way to describe it is that it is what happens when a cook gets busy, only the cook is Italian.  I like it, and it makes a good dish for a party because it's attractive and easy to serve.  You really have to let it sit overnight, though!  Otherwise you will be crunching up pudding-coated biscotti, and this is supposed to be more like a cakey trifley kind of affair.

Baking Fixes

So, as a result of my Pinza Bertoldese and Liebkuchen debaucle of a few days ago, I now have some wisdom to impart regarding baked goods that do not initially turn out as desired.  (Do not view this as alegorical relationship advice as well: I stand by my original claim that when dating a diabolical boyfriend, the best approach is to quit while you're not too far behind.  Although putting your awful boyfriend in a plastic bag or soaking him in rum might be amusing, it is also morally wrong or at least wildly ineffective.) 

Liebkuchen (cookies that were too hard)
Put the cookies in three layers or so in an airtight container.  A plastic storage container is what I used, but a metal breadbox or a plastic bag that your loaf of bread or something similar would probably also work.  In between the layers put: thinly sliced apple.  Why thinly-sliced?  Well, originally I used apple sections (about 1/8 of an apple) and some of my cookied became a little soggy.  Result?  Not perfection, but definitely edible cookies, which is better than what I had two days ago.

Pinza Bertoldese (cakes that were slightly burnt and not sweet enough)
The original recipe called for a glaze made of warm honey mixed with rum.  Since the cakes were so bad, I decided to go it one better and made a frosting composed solely of confectioner's sugar and rum.   My original frosting was a little thin, being more rum than sugar, so I poured that over the cakes and then made a thicker one, also with rum.  The result?  Apparently everything tastes better soaked in rum.  I would not remake this recipe without gross revisions and then douse it in rum-soaked frosting, but at least now I feel confident enough to gift these cakes without shame, although definitely alongside the other things I made that did NOT turn out awful.

Pasticciera Cream

3 TB. sugar
3 egg yolks
3 TB. flour
1/2 tsp. grated lemon rind
1/2 tsp. vanilla
2 C. milk
1 TB. butter

Place sugar, egg yolks, flour, lemon rind, and vanilla in a large saucepan and mix together well.  In a separate pan (or the microwave) scald the milk, then pour into the large saucepan, a slowly and little at a time at first to avoid curdling the eggs while beating constantly.  (Either with a wire whisk or electric beater...this recipe says use a rotary beater, which just shows how old the book is!  A rotary beater was the precursor to an electric handheld mixer that involves two beaters and a crank.  You held and guided the mixer with one hand and cranked it with the other!!!  I remember using one that my Grandmom had...instant pudding wasn't so instant in those days.)  Anyway, continue cooking the mixture over a low flame (this is what is says, "low" probably for an electric range) stirring with a wooden spoon until mixture reaches the boiling point.  (From personal experience, this could take a while...like half an hour.  Don't try to rush it, you'll just end up with sweet scrambled eggs.)  Cook 4 minutes longer, stirring constantly.  Remove from the source of the heat, and add in the butter.  Mix well.  Pour into a mixing bowl and let cool, stirring occasionally to prevent a skin from forming over the top.  Serves 4.  (4 who?  4 people who want 1/2 C. pudding each?  Maybe.  Also, this will most likely make a boatload of cream puff filling.)

Jewish Peach Cake / Drinking Hot Coffee and Retailing Hot Gossip

Cake
2 C. sugar
3 C. flour
1 C. oil
3 tsp. baking powder
1/4 C. orange juice
1 large can sliced peaches*
4 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla

Topping**
4 tsp. cinnamon
8 tsp. sugar

Combine all ingredients except those for topping.  Pour into a greased and floured tube pan.  Combine topping ingredients.  Sprinkle on top of batter.  Bake for 350F for 1-1/4 hours.  Cool, then serve.
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I'm not really sure why this cake is "Jewish Peach Cake", as opposed to plain "Peach Cake".
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*This is kind of vague, I know.  It could mean a 14 ounce can, or one of those jumbo cans whose ounceage I do not know.  But I would say 28 ounces at least.  They look like little tin barrels of peaches.  It's a lot.  I would say, use the amount of peaches that is most agreeable to you.  If you like a lot of peaches, buy the big can.  If not, buy the little can.  Either way, this recipe would probably benefit from chopping the peach slices into large cubes before adding them into the batter.

**This doesn't seem like a lot of topping to me.  All together, it makes about 1/4 C. of topping, so maybe it's enough.  But I am a certified topping junkie.  If it were me, I would probably make a cinnamon streussel topping and giggle with delight while the dense sugary mixture sank slowly into the depths of the cake.
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I don't know if it's become obvious yet, but coffee cake is a tradition in and of itself in South Jersey.  It crosses ethnic and national boundaries, and the reason is this: the purpose of coffee cake is very old-fashioned: you have something to offer your guests when they come over (planned or unannounced), that then you can eat while drinking coffee and retailing hot gossip.  Now, regardless of your personal views on the ethical ramifications of gossipping, it is just a fact that the women (and men!!) of New Jersey are like the organic version of the Internet.  Information 24 hours a day, any and all, just ask.  The people of South Jersey view information exchange as somewhere between not "occupying" the left lane of traffic and "going down the shore" at least once a summer in order of existential importance.  Your nephew's cousin Bennie graduated college?  (I'll send him a card.)  Bennie got pulled over for drunk driving?  Duly noted.  (Note..to..self... dissuade...niece....from....chasing after....Bennie.)  No one ever got disenfranchised due to sheer ignorance in Jersey.  Now, niece Monica may still chase after Bennie.  (Note...to...self:..invite...Pauline  Zornak...over for...coffee cake.)  But at least she had been duly warned!  (Note..to...self...give Monica bird and bee...lecture...in hopes...she will die....of embarrassment.  Do...same...for Bennie.)  Because most of the gossip in Jersey is good-natured, intended, like Grimm's Fairy Tales, to educate and improve the listener.  All with cinnamon streussel topping!  Sign me up.

Strawberry Glaze for Cheesecake

1 C. strawberries
1-1/2 TB. cornstarch
1/2 C. sugar
2 TB. Grand Marnier

Mash the strawberries.  Combine the strawberries, sugar, and cornstarch in a heavy saucepan.  Cook over medium heat until thick.  Add in liqueur.  Cover and chill.  Makes 3/4 cup.

Blueberry Glaze for Cheesecake

Blueberry Glaze for Cheesecake:
1/2 C. fresh blueberries
1/4 C. water
1/4 C. sugar
1/4 C. brandy
1-1/2 TB cornstarch
3 TB. water

Combine blueberries and 1/4 C. water in a heavy saucepan.  Cook over medium heat for 15 minutes.  Sieve and return to saucepan.  Add sugar and brandy.  Cook over medium heat 10 minutes.  Dissolve cornstarch in 3 TB. water, mixing together until smooth.  Then add this into the blueberry mixture and cook until thickened.  Cover and chill.  Makes 1 C.

Easy Cheesecake

Cake
32 oz. of cream cheese, softened
6 eggs
8 oz. sour cream
4 tsp. vanilla
1-1/3C. + 6 TB. sugar

Crust
1-1/4 C. graham cracker crumbs
1/4 C. sugar
1/3 C. butter, melted

Cream together the cream cheese, 1-1/3 C. sugar, eggs, and 2 tsp. vanilla.  Pour all into a springform pan already prepared with the crust--or--a greased 3 quart oblong pan.  Bake a half an hour at 350F, then remove brieftly from oven, leaving the oven on.  While cake is out of oven, mix together the sour cream, remaining 2 tsp. vanilla, and 6 TB. sugar.  Spread this mixture over the top of the partially-baked cheesecake.  Replace the cheesecake in the oven and bake 15 minutes more.  Remove immediately and let cool until set, ideally overnight.

To make the crust: combine all crust ingredients, then press into the bottom and up the sides of a springform pan.  Bake at 325F for 5 minutes.  Let cool, then bake the cheesecake in it as directed above.

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I included the blueberry and strawberry glazes in separate posts.
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My great-aunt Kitty was a wonderful woman who graciously gave my mom this recipe when she was a new bride.

Cream Puffs...as a Metaphor for Sex

1/2 C. shortening
1 C. boiling water or milk
1 C. flour
4 eggs
1 tsp. salt

Add shortening to water or milk in a large saucepan and bring to a boil.  Add in the flour all in a lump and stir vigorously (with a spoon, or I prefer a wire whisk) until a ball of dough forms in the center of the pan.  Remove from heat and let cool slightly.  Add in unbeaten eggs, one at a time, beating the dough well after each egg.  The mixture should be very stiff.  Grease one or two large baking sheets.  Shape the dough either by dropping by spoonfuls of the preferred size, about 2 inches apart, or by putting the dough in a pastry bag with a large tip and piping the preferred shape and size onto the baking sheets.  Preheat the oven to 450F, and put the cream puffs in for 15 minutes.  Then, while they are still in the oven, reduce the temperature to 350F and continue baking until they are done, about 30 minutes.  If in doubt, remove one from the oven to test it.  It should be well-risen, have a hollow sound when tapped on the bottom, and have a crunchy golden outside.  Let cool.  Fill with desired filling.  Makes 2 dozen small cream puffs.
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This recipe also came from the Lily Wallace New American Cookbook.  Follow the directions explicitly, even the one about dumping flour into a pan of boiling water and shortening.  I have made this very recipe several times now and it always comes out FABULOUS.  Trust me, homemade cream puffs are definitely worth the effort.
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This recipe makes yummy puffs of all sizes.  IE, you can pipe long shapes of dough on your baking sheet and SHAZAM eclairs.  Or make larger, flatter circles and you have a profiterole or a shell for a savory puff (like one filled with chicken salad). 
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Speaking of fillings, the filling of a cream puff can be as simple or as complicated as you make it.  For a firmer filling, like chicken salad, slice your cream puff sandwich style, put the filling on the bottom half, and lay the top half on top.  For a creamy filling...like cream (umm, whipped cream), pudding, or what have you, you have to go the pastry tube route again.  So: put your filling in the pastry tube.  Milk it down to the bottom of the tube.  Fold the top of the tube over.  (I mention this because I make cream puffs so infrequently that I inevitably forget this and have a vomiting pastry tube.  Pudding+floor=massive diversion from intended leisure activity of filling cream puffs.)  Insert the tip of the pastry tube into the side or bottom of your cream puff.  This is kind of like mining for gold-- basically your objective is to find one of the hollow cavities inside the puff so that you can pump pudding or cream into it without actually being able to see or otherwise discern where that cavity is.  Fear not.  The inside of a baked cream puff is like Mammoth Cave-- a series of smaller and larger connected cavities.  So just stick your tube in some place that won't show and take a firm grip on your pastry bag and apply firm pressure until you can tell from the movement of the contents of the bag that filling is going into the puff.  Why?  Because once you see massive amounts of pudding coming out the top of your cream puff, you've put too much in.  It's an art, or a process of trial-and-error, or whatever term you'd like to apply to a process that mainly involves guessing.
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On a side note, I had serious difficulty typing my little lesson on filling cream puffs with a straight face.

Strufoli--Honey Clusters

Hot oil for deep frying
Butter for shaping

2 C. sifted flour
1/4 tsp. salt
3 eggs
1/2 tsp. vanilla
1 C. honey.  Yes, 1 whole cup.
1 TB. sugar
sprinkles of whatever color you prefer.  Mary F.J. Chiarello typically uses rainbow sprinkles, my favorite.

Mix together flour and salt in a large bowl.  Make a well, and add in the eggs one at a time, mixing slightly after each addition.  Add in vanilla.  Lightly knead into a soft dough.  Put the dough on a lightly floured surface and knead some more, just until the dough is smooth and elastic.  Divide in half.  For each half: roll out to 1/4" thick, then cut into 1/4" wide strips.  Roll each strip into a pencil shape/snake.  Cut each dough snake into pieces about 1/2" long.  Heat the oil until bubbly but not too hot.  (Yeah, I know this is super specific.  The best way to tell is to drop a test dough piece in.  The oil is the right temperature if the piece slowly puffs up and turns a golden brown in about 10-15 seconds.)  Put the dough pieces in a few dozen at a time, removing as they rise to the top and become golden brown on both sides.  As they do this, remove them from the oil and drain them on a plate lined with paper towels.  Once they are all done, set them aside.  In a separate deep saucepan, heat the honey and sugar together on low for about 5 minutes.  In a metal (or other heat-resistant bowl) stir together the hot honey and fried dough.  Put in the refrigerator and let cool and set about an hour.  Remove from the fridge and get out a plate or serving dish.  Butter your hands well, and then take handfuls of the honey clusters and shape them into the desired shape on  your plate.  When you've used all the clusters, liberally coat the outside with your sprinkles.

Some background info: the word "strufoli" literally means "beehive", which is descriptive of the shape you traditionally sculpt this dessert into.  (Think hut-shaped rope basket thingy.  Not the wooden boxes we typically keep bees in today.)  However, the shape of your strufoli is up to you.  The last time I made this with my grandmother, she suggested shaping it into a Christmas wreath and using red and green sprinkles! 

How you eat strufoli: strufoli is the original unhygienic party food.  You set your plate of strufoli out, and then everybody walks by snatching little pieces off and getting sticky until it's all gone.  Remember, this dessert came from the same people who kiss each other *on the mouth* as form of greeting.  If you can get past kissing your cigar-smoking great uncles on the mouth, you can eat strufoli.

Italian Cookies

6 C. flour
6 tsp. baking powder
1-1/2 sticks margarine
2 C. sugar
6 large eggs

Filling:
Apricot preserves
sliced almonds
raisins

Mix together flour and baking powder in a large bowl.  Blend in the margarine, sugar, and eggs by hand.  Cut the dough into 4 equal portions.  Doing one portion at a time, roll out the dough about 1/4" thick. 

To make sandwiches:
Cut equal numbers of round cookies out of the dough.  Spread a thin layer of apricot jam on the bottom half, leaving a 1/2" margin around the edges.  Sprinkle with the almonds and raisins.  Put the top half on.

To make biscotti:
Spread jam over intact rolled-out dough.  Sprinkle with almonds and raisins.  Roll up into a log shape.

Either way:
Moisten top of sandwiches or log with milk.  Sprinkle with seasonally appropriate confettis or colored sugars.  Place on a baking sheet and bake at 350F until light brown.  (About 10 minutes for sandwiches, about 20 for the log.)  For the biscotti, let the log cool before slicing into cookies.

Mary Febornia Julia Canduci Chiarello

Chiacchiere Della Nonna

2-1/4 C. flour
1/2 C. vegetable oil
2 TB. sugar
2 eggs
3 TB. dry white wine
1/2 tsp. salt
10X confectioner's sugar for dusting
Oil for frying

Combine flour, oil, sugar, eggs, wine, and salt in a large bowl.  Knead until it becomes a smooth and tender dough.  Cover dough and let rest for 20 minutes.  Knead dough for another 1-2 minutes, then roll it out to 1/8 inch thickness.  Cut dough into stripes 1/2 inch wide by 5 inches long.  Tie stripes into a bow shape.  Put a few bows at a time into about 1 inch of hot oil, fry 'til golden brown, then transfer to paper towels to drain.  Sprinkle them generously with the 10X sugar.

Mary Febornia Julia Canduci Chiarello