Ridiculously Easy Pie Crust

1/4 C. vegetable shortening, lard, or butter
3/4 C. to 1 C. flour
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 C. water, or more if necessary for consistency

Combine the dry ingredients. Blend in the fat. Add in the water, very lightly kneading to combine. Turn dough out onto a floured surface. Pat into a ball. Roll out with a floured rolling pin until uniformly about 1/4-inch (6mm) thick, being careful to alternate the direction you roll (N-S to E-W) and flipping the dough top to bottom at least once to ensure you end up with a round that is about the same thickness and isn't stuck onto the countertop. Fold the dough into a semicircle, then again to make a triangle with a rounded bottom. Transfer to your pie pan with the point of the triangle in the exact middle of your pan. Unfold. Shazam.
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I call this "Ridiculously Easy" because it is.  There is a wide-held, long-standing belief that making a good pie crust is similar to being able to do backflips in a leotard.  IE, that it takes years of practice and coaching and that only the truly gifted will ultimately be able to accomplish it.  This belief, as far as I can ascertain, arose out of the butter and lard rationing of the World War II era, prior to the invention of vegetable lard (or "shortening").  You will notice that this recipe has, by weight, three main ingredients.  I can see how it would be nearly impossible to make it if you had to eliminate one of them.  You can tell a true WWII-era pastry recipe if it requires combinations of whole eggs and separated eggs, vinegar, solitary confinement in the refrigerator or freezer, and more than five steps.  I have had some of those finished crusts, and they can be good if executed well.  But they can also be very, very bad.  Kind of like when the girl in the leotard misses the balance beam and gets the wedgie of a lifetime.  So, if you have access to any kind of fat, any kind at all, I recommend you steer clear of the WWII recipes and stick to the basics.  It'll be a walk in the park.

Spinach Pie / My Ode to the Y Chromosome

2 9-inch unbaked pie shells*
2 pkgs frozen chopped spinach**
6 onions, chopped
4-5 eggs
salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste
1/2 C. breadcrumbs (optional)
2 TB. parsley (also optional)
1/2 C. grated parmesan cheese
12 oz. cream cheese
oil for sauteing

Cook and drain the spinach.  Set aside.  Saute the onions in oil until tender, sprinkling with the garlic powder to roast the flavor out in the oil.  In a large bowl combine all the ingredients except the breadcrumbs.  Pour the mixture into the pastry shells and, if desired, sprinkle the top with breadcrumbs.  Bake at 350F until done-- about 1 hour-- or until the top is brown and the pies are set.  Let cool slightly before attempting to slice.  Is good hot or room temperature!
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Let me just say, first of all, that it defies my imagination that this is an internationally read blog.  Thank-you so much for giving me that. 

On a completely separate topic, but still in the subject of gratefulness, I would like here to proclaim my everlasting appreciation of men in the workplace.  I present to you the following examples of why: in the space of two consecutive workdays, my male coworker argued, without regard for my entreaties to please stop, his opinions on how the theories of evolution and natural selection were bad science produced by a cultural bias towards atheism and machiavellian tendencies, announced that he hated professional fashion models because they are all prostitutes who got paid to have sex and that, additionally they are (also in his opinion) too dumb to do anything else or else they would, and proclaimed his love of death metal.  Yet we were able to work amicably side-by-side, despite vigorous protesting on my part to all of the above points.  For contrast, I have had hair-tossing and crying directed at me for such occasions as a difference of opinion on whether or not we (I) should do what the supervisor told both of us to do on pain of punishment, followed by days, if not weeks, of similar disdain.  So God bless testicles.  God bless them, everyone.

*First of all, the "9 inches" refers to the diameter of a round pie pan.  So, in metric that's 23 cm.  If your metric (or otherwise) pie pans come measured in volume, I cannot be of much assistance, although I would guess that each pie pan would need to be able to hold about 250-500mL. 

Secondly, here is an easy recipe for one batch of pie crust (you'd need to double it to make spinach pie).

**I think it's 16 ounces per package of frozen spinach, so you would need to cook up two good bunches (about 1kg) of fresh spinach.

Fresh Pumpkin Ravioli

Pumpkin Filling
1/2 of a pie pumpkin, cooked and cut into chunks*
1 clove of garlic, minced
1/2 tsp. salt
2-3 TB. butter, plus some for tossing the ravioli in
1/4 C. Parmesan cheese, plus some for tossing the ravioli in

Ravioli
1-1/2 to 2 C. flour
2 TB. oil
2 eggs
2-3 TB. water
1/4 tsp. salt

To make the ravioli, mix together flour and salt.  Make a well and knead in the eggs and oil.  Add in the water as necessary for consistency.  The dough should be tough but cohesive.  Remove the dough to an unfloured surface and knead further until it is smooth and elastic.  Set it aside wrapped in plastic wrap (or other means to prevent it drying out) and let it rest at elast 2 hours.  After the dough has rested, divide it into two portions and roll each out into 1/8 inch thickness (3 mm).  Cut the dough into rounds, making sure there are an even number.

To make the filling, melt the butter in a saucepan, then briefly saute the garlic.  Add in the pumpkin and mash it until it is a smooth homogeneous mixture.  Add in the cheese and salt, mix to blend, and then remove the pumpkin mixture from the heat. 

Put 1 TB. of filling onto half of the rounds.  Top these with the remaining rounds by moistening the edges of both, laying the top on the filled round, and crimping the edges well with a fork.  Bring a large pot of water to a rolling boil.  If desired, you can add some salt and a little oil to the cooking water.  Drop in the ravioli a few at a time, removing them to a serving dish with a slotted spoon once they float to the top.  Serve tossed in melted butter (or olive oil if you prefer) and sprinkled with parmesan cheese.
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* a "pie" pumpkin, for those unaware, is a different variety of pumpkin from the "jack-o-lantern" pumpkin that you see rowed up at the farmer's market or grocery store around Halloween (if you live in a country that does Halloween).  A jack-o-lantern pumpkin's flesh is tough and fibrous and not very good to eat.  A pie pumpkin, on the other hand, is much closer to a winter squash (butternut or acorn squash are examples of winter squash).  To identify a pie pumpkin from a jack-o-lantern pumpkin (these are not official variety names, by the way) you can a) ask the vendor (if you're at a farmer's market or roadside stand, for example) or b) observe the appearance of the pumpkin.  A pie pumpkin is small, about the size of a canteloupe or a little larger, and typically has a rich orange, yellow, or reddish orange rind.  It will also feel hefty for its size when you pick it up.  A jack-o-lantern pumpkin will be large, typically being the size of a soccer ball at least, and usually larger.  You definitely need two hands to pick up most jack-o-lantern pumpkins.  Sometimes stores will sell smaller ones for table decor too, so if you're unsure, a jack-o-lantern pumpkin, even a small one, will have a paler, washed-out orange rind typically, and will feel lighter because there is a larger hollow cavity inside.  (Whereas the pie pumpkin's interior is filled mainly with flesh intermingled with the seeds.)  As you may have guessed by now, a jack-o-lantern pumpkin is not really meant for eating!

Experimental Stateside Loco Moco / I Can't Find My Spatula

1/2 tsp. Old Bay seasoning
1/4 tsp. paprika
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 C. seafood stock
1 TB. tomato paste
1 C. canned tomato sauce
1 TB. thickener of your choice (cornstarch or flour)
1 tsp. sugar

1 C. cooked pearled barley (or rice, for authenticity)*
2 boca patties**
2 fried eggs

Bring the stock to a simmer in a skillet.  Add in the tomato paste and stir to blend.  Add in spices.  Add in tomato sauce, sugar, and thickener, whisking after each addition.  Pour sauce over the barley/rice, eggs, and patties.

Look, it's steaming hot!  Yum...

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Now, I am aware that Loco Moco is not a traditional Italian dish.  But neither is homemade toothpaste and you would not believe the number of hits that page has gotten.  However, I recently moved, so I thought: new place, new food!  I have been wanting to try making this for about a month after watching an episode of "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives".  The recipe loosely imparted there involved making a homemade stock that cooks for 3 hours and has kombu and dried shrimp in it.  Maybe if my place were not a wreck, I could find my spatula, and I didn't have to go to work I would have the time and energy to cook a sauce for 3 hours.  But I don't, and I'm guessing you don't either, regardless of whether or not you just moved.  This recipe does need some tweaking for taste and content.  In future I will try some thai fish sauce in there, and/or Worcestershire sauce.  Also, it could be thicker, although I liked it this way too.

*I just like barley, both for its texture and nutritional content.  (It's high in fiber and has some good minerals in it too.)  But rice is what you're supposed to put in and it would be delicious too as a sop for the Loco sauce.

**The original Loco Moco calls for hamburger patties made with diced onion.  The Boca (vegetarian) patties were nasty.  Should I find myself needing a patty in the future I will look up a recipe for a homemade one or reverse engineer one myself.  The best parts of the Moco end of the dish were definitely the egg and the barley.  In the meantime, put some onion in the sauce too-- about 1/4th of a regular-sized onion-- if you don't make your own hamburger patties or use the vegetarian option.  Yes, I know I used vegetarian meat substitute patties in a dish that had fish stock as the main part of the sauce.

Recipe for a Plum Tree

1 apple tree trunk
plum tree branches
the knowledge and ability to graft fruit trees

Graft the plum branches on the apple tree.  It will produce the sweetest, juiciest plums you have ever eaten in your life.  No kidding.  Seriously.  My Great-grandfather Nunzio made this chimera, which was cut down in the mid-eighties and I still remember how good the plums were.  You know how plums from the store can be a little bitter sometimes?  Well, not these plums.  They were the best plums I've ever eaten.  So, I'm posting this in hopes that someone else will graft a plum tree onto an apple tree and, through a convoluted process of trickle down, I will eventually get to have these good plums again.
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No, I'm not out of real recipes.  I just mislaid my pile of them temporarily.

Coconut & Me: BFFs FOUR-EVER

Today I had the most glorious, wonderful, fabulous revelation.  It all started with a touch of dermatitis.  Oh, dermatitis, who loves you?  Who is your friend?  ME!  I AM YOUR FRIEND TODAY!  At first I was as displeased to see dermatitis as anybody else.  I did not recieve dermatitis willingly on my doorstep.  But then, I had this epiphany: if I'm getting dermatitis from some element of my routine, and my routine now is coconut-free, then I'm not allergic to coconuts.  It's like Tom Petty said: you don't have to live like a refugee!!  Now I can throw my nasty homemade toothpaste in the trash.  Now I can wallow in the selection of the shampoo aisle and decide if I want to smell like a tropical paradise or a rainforest, rather than if I want to be rashy or not.  Thank you dermatitis, thank you for reintroducing me to Mr. Coconut.

PS I'm going to leave my toothpaste post up so that if you get a burning need to make toothpaste, and you see a recipe that resembles it, you can save yourself some time and not make that one.

A Curry Scorned, in the Nicest Possible Way

So I realize that this is supposed to be a funny blog as well as an informative one, so I will offer some words of advice: don't bring eggplant masala to a dinner party unsolicited.

I know.  Who doesn't love eggplant curry?  Is it not inconceivably startling if I present to you the fact that there may be some people in this life who do not appreciate eggplant curry, and who may in fact be made mildy anxious at the very thought of it?  If this does not surprise the hell out of you, then the last few sentences are a picture into what it's like to be me.  This weekend I learned that not everybody wants eggplant curry brought to their parties, and I don't know what's worse: that I didn't know this to begin with, or that I was shocked and slightly offended upon learning it. 

When I sent out my e-mail reply to the potluck invitation, I felt, I'll admit it, a little smug.  Lesser mortals might bring a salad of totally non-ethnic origins.  The curry, however, would cause all guests at the party to break iinto spontaneous applause, followed by a toast to the eggplant curry delivered with such heartfelt emotion that the gentlemen attending would unashamedly wipe a tear from their eyes.  (I worked really hard on that curry.)  Picture then the aformentioned shock and offense when my curry was rebuffed!  "Who says, 'please do not bring curry to my party' ?!" I mentally replied.  I may have said it out loud.  Let's leave the details shrouded in mystery. 

In a nutshell, I will be eating leftover curry for a long while, but my hostess was unspeakably grateful that I did not bring the eggplant curry anyway out of spite.  So, the lessons you should have learned from me are: not everybody will eat anything, everything, both together, one fried on top of the other, and: that people who will eat things on a dare (me) and people that need a list of ingredients at all times can live together in harmony, and even attend parties hosted by each other.  Amen. 

A Word of Explanation -or- My Vendetta Against the Coconut

At this point a regular reader may be wondering why a blog on Italian cooking suddenly got hijacked by recipes for homemade shampoo and toothpaste.  Which does currently taste like soap.  Never fear,
I will still post mainly food recipes, but here are my reasons for branching out:

I was raised by Italians.  This is similar to being raised by very loving, very cheap wolves.  Therefore I am personally excited about paying 96 cents for toothpaste.  Especially if I have all the components in my cabinets already.  So for you, humble reader, the cost is 96 cents per tube.  For me it is free.  Or a low fraction of $0.96 if I decide to get my math on and multiply the actual cost of each ingredient by the percentage of it that goes to each use (food, cleaning product, etc) and then divide that number by the amount that goes in the equivalent to one purchased unit (tube, bottle, etc).

I am currently at war with the coconut.  The coconut does not like me.  I do not like it.  I am an adult, and am aware that often the most effective approach to an intractable enemy is avoidance.  Call it coconut pacifism, if you will.  Unfortunately, this means that I must make a lot of household items if I truly want to avoid further conflicts.

I like to write.  And I feel like it will create entertainment value if I chronicle what happens when a person who would happily go to the drugstore and buy laundry detergent and shampoo attempts to make and live with them herself.

So in closing, the quick and dirty: my toothpaste tastes like soap.  Oh well, sucks to be me.  I view it as a challenge.  A daily morning challenge.  I have a pretty active gag reflex, and the new toothpaste hasn't gagged me yet, so that's one up on store-bought toothpaste.  My hair looks great.  My skin looks mostly great.  Olive oil is really moisturizing.  So moisturizing.  Really, reaaaally moisturizing.  Have you ever heard of an Italian with dry skin?  I'm sure they're out there, and in my coconut-loving days I too had normal to dry skin.  Well, no longer.  So now I need to find a way to handle a small amount of pore-clogging that is a result of having such luxuriously moisturizing and coconut-free shampoo and soap.  Some of this is due to the switch in products, and some due to a lag in product use habits on my part.  Commercial soaps are pretty drying, at least for me.  Now all of a sudden I don't really need to be slathering on conditioner, moisturizer, and body lotion.  But I will post a more sophisticated shampoo recipe as soon as I get motivated to make one.

Homemade Toothpaste

Additional Thoughts on The Toothpaste Experiment

This post is still one of my most popular posts, even though it is not Italian, or Traditional, or Edible.  It defies my imagination.  In addition, I just reread it and I am personally astounded by my need at the time to pimp my Intro. Chemistry knowledge with the chemical formula for baking soda.  I mean, what was I trying to prove?  I'm not really sure, and it wasn't that long ago.  Since this post continues to be popular, here is a compilation of all of the homemade hygiene products posts from about the same time.

For what it's worth:

Faux-'Poo or Low 'Poo, Just Not No 'Poo

The titles speak for themselves:
A Word of Explanation -or- My Vendetta Against the Coconut

Coconut & Me: BFFs FOUR-EVER

Conclusions

Apparently the homemade toothpaste has been a more popular item than I anticipated.  So, I'm going to provide some more info on the subject in general, as well as reiterate some of what I've said about it in other posts.

A) This version is pretty soapy tasting.  I used it for about 3 days before I discovered that I am not super-allergic to coconut (eg SLS, etc) and ran out to buy regular toothpaste again.  It didn't bother me a ton because the flavor disappeared (much like regular toothpaste) after I ate or drank something else.

B) It sort of formed odd chunks in the tube overnight after the first day.  I think it separated.  Also, my used toothpaste tube had some old commercial toothpaste adhearing to the inside (no more than that-- I use my toothpaste down to the last squeeze) so it may have reacted with it, or possibly it would have separated regardless.

C) Baking soda is Sodium Bicarbonate, which is a salt.  So if you're on a sodium-restricted diet, I would do some more research before brushing your teeth with it every morning.  Also, I didn't use it long enough to worry about the possible enamel wear, but if I had I would have done some more investigation into whether or not Na2(H2CO3) is overly wearing on your teeth.

All that being said, my teeth DID feel clean, which I was surprised by.  So, in conclusion, if you're determined to make your own toothpaste, my recipe may not be the best one for you, but it did apparently work!

The Actual Recipe

Toothpaste
4 ounces homemade castile soap (see the homemade shampoo post)
2 TB. baking soda
6-7 drops peppermint oil, or essential oil of your choice
3 tsp. sucralose powder*
1 TB. water
1 TB. almond oil**

Container***
An old toothpaste tube
scissors
duct tape

In a small dish, put the castile soap in.  Add in each of the other ingredients, in whatever order you prefer, but one at a time to enable complete blending of each ingredient.  To make your container, put the cap on your old toothpaste tube and, if possible (depending on the product packaging) stand it on end.  Cut the very end of the tube off (not the cap end, the back end).  Carefully spoon your homemade toothpaste into the empty tube, stopping when you have about 2 inches left empty.  (I didn't even wash mine out.  I'm not afraid of my commercial toothpaste.)   Wipe clean and thoroughly dry the top 3 inches of your tube.  Cut a strip of duct tape about 2-1/2 inches wide.  Cut into the short edges about 3/4ths of an inch, making your each cut at approximately halfway along a short edge.  Place the strip of tape along the open end of the toothpaste tube such that you can fold it over and have an equal amount of tape on the other side.  Wrap one side of the cut short edge of the duct tape around the other side of the tube.  Pinch the open edge of the toothpaste tube closed and old the tape over the top.  Wrap the other end of the cut short edge of your tape around.  Repeat with another piece of tape if you feel it's necessary.  (I did.  This toothpaste is looser than traditional toothpaste.)
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*I made up this recipe (and taste-tested it) out of a compilation of homemade or all-natural toothpaste recipes I found on other blogs and websites.  Gotta love the internet.  I am hoping to avoid the cost of regular toothpaste and some of its more questionable ingredients, but am not so committed to all-natural ingredients that I want to either have salty toothpaste (from the baking soda) or put pure cane sugar in toothpaste.  I think the sucralose does a pretty good job of avoiding saltiness AND tooth decay caused by my toothpaste, and I don't personally object to having a small quantity in my mouth for the amount of time it takes me to brush my teeth.  Let's be honest here: I drink diet sodas and I chew sugar-free gum.  Whether you put artificial sweetener in your own homemade toothpaste is for you to decide.

**A couple of different recipes called for a neutral oil like olive oil or coconut oil, I'm guessing as an emulsifier.  I have a personal dispute with coconut oil that has nothing to do with environmental causes or cost concerns, so I put in almond oil because I had it on hand.

***After sitting overnight (also during the period that my toothpaste's consistency changed) the toothpaste wicked out of the duct tape.  It didn't exactly leak, but it formed small waxy/grainy balls wear it seeped out, which was a lot of places.  It didn't really make any mess though, because it was a solid.  I didn't try to wipe it off, applying the principle of "don't mess with success."

Cost Breakdown
homemade castile soap: $0.33
baking soda: $0.08
peppermint oil $0.01
sucralose: $0.07
almond oil: $0.47
Total per tube: $0.96
Savings from Cost of Average Toothpaste Tube (estimated at $3): $2.04 or 68%.

So, there are toothpastes you can buy for $1.  Are they all- (or mostly-) natural?  No.  So it kind of depends on your motivation for making toothpaste.  The pros are you can guarantee that you will always pay less than $1 for toothpaste without turning into one of those "extreme couponing" people who hoard nonperishables in their pantries as if they're expecting an imminent nuclear winter, that you know exactly what goes into your mouth every morning, and that if you're like me and get bored with mint flavor fairly regularly you can customize your own toothpaste flavors.  The cons are that it takes a little more effort than running into the store to buy toothpaste and (so far) that it does NOT taste like regular toothpaste!  But my mouth feels pretty clean, and I ate a few tortilla chips to see if the rest of my day was going to taste like soap and, so far, the answer is "kinda but no."  So I'm cautiously optimistic that I will enjoy my new toothpaste-making abilities.  However, I will definitely be experimenting with flavorings!

Hot Dog & Green Pepper Sandwiches

1 hotdog per person
1/4th a green pepper per person
1/2 an onion per person
1 egg, slightly beaten, per person
good hard rolls, 1 per serving/person
oil for sauteing
ketchup.  of course.

In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat.  Chop the onions and peppers into strips, then saute them in the oil until they are both nice and soft.  You should be able to fold the pepper strips easily.  Add in the hotdog, which you have previously cut at an oblique angle across the longitudinal axis, such that you have oval pieces of hotdog.  Seriously, I don't know how else to say it.  Anyway, saute the hotdog in with the peppers and onions and the oil (which should have been a generous amount, I didn't say this was health food) until the hotdog slices are hot and sizzling.  Now add in your beaten eggs, pouring them in all at once and allowing them to sit for a while in the pan much the way you would an omelette.  Tilt the pan occasionally to allow the runny areas to settle into lower elevations and cook completely.  Use a spatula to lift the bottom of the egg when it's close to being cooked fully (about 2-3 minutes) so that it doesn't get stuck to the skillet.  Slide the whole shebang onto a plate and allow it to set a moment.  Then, slice it into portions (one per person, use your fraction making skills as needed) and serve inside a warmed hard roll sliced in half, with ketchup on top.
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I felt like I had to post at least one recipe today just to maintain my "cooking blog" credibility.  Grandmom makes this when there's leftover hotdogs in the fridge.  I think it's a much better use of the hotdog than grilling.  It takes a specialty restaurant with eight thousand original topping choices and fancy buns to make a traditional dog-in-a-bun interesting to me.  But this sandwich is simple and good without all that, at least in my opinion.

Faux-'Poo or Low 'Poo, Just Not No-'Poo

'Poo Update

Click here to read The Surprising Conclusion to the Me versus 'Poo situation:

http://canducifamilyrecipes.blogspot.com/2013/04/poo-update.html

Conclusions

I tried the homemade castile shampoo for about a month, and I eventually ended up with a serious amount of build-up on my hair.  Now, possibly you could integrate some other natural product into your routine and avoid the build-up, but once I realized I was free from my supposed coconut allergy I skipped straight back to the store and bought some cheap shampoo. 

However, the homemade castile soap is fabulous as just plain soap and is mild enough to use for a facial soap even for me, with my ridiculously sensitive (just not to coconuts) skin.  I'm sure it has some useful applications in the household as well.

Faux-'Poo/ Low 'Poo
Ok, so this is another non-food-related post on what is technically a cooking blog, but I feel like the information is relatively valuable.

I refuse to go "No 'Poo" or "shampoo-free", and specifically by the method of cleaning one's hair with baking soda and vinegar.  Yes, it's all-natural.  Yes, according to its proponents it makes one's hair shimmer with the magical light of algal phosphoresences upon a tropical sea.  Yes, it is less damaging to the environment.  I'm sorry, but any beauty regimen that involves a 1-6 month "adjustment period" in which said beauty appears to be making a serious backslide is not for me.  However: there is an alternative.

The Recipe

Step 1) Find your favorite store-bought all-natural soap.  (See?  I've already eliminated the step where you cause yourself disfiguring burns trying to learn how to use lye to make soap.)

Step 2) Shave it with a paring knife into small pieces/shreds.

Step 3) Put those shreds with approximately 3-5 C. (720-1200mL) water (less for a smallish bar, more for a larger bar).  Plain tap water, distilled water, well water, whatever floats your boat.

Step 4) Stir it a few times, but mostly just leave it alone, for 48 whole hours.  2 days.  At the end, your goal is to have no more recognizable pieces of soap and instead a (thick, goopy) liquid.  So it's somewhat subjective.

Shazam, all-natural shampoo that, in addition, you can dilute to the strength that is appropriate for your hair texture.  I am not kidding when I say I hardly need conditioner anymore because my shampoo no longer strips the life out of my hair.  What I use when I do is a whole other story that involves far more grief than the "making my own shampoo" process.

Irrelevancies Concerning Garrulous Balding Men

My advice for the day: never eat at a restaurant where the manager is a balding man and all the employees are attractive women or teenaged boys.  As I learned the other day, this means that the manager will be garrulous, convinced of his own importance in the world, and also willing to impart at top volume such gems of wisdom as "I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years and 2 kids and she shouldn't expect an engagement ring any time soon!"  At least he wasn't addressing this to me, or I might have gone on one of my real-world rampages that, under normal (non-sick or- exhausted) conditions tend mainly to occur in print or inner monologue.  So maybe there were some men in the restaurant who found this information added to their dining experience, but as for me: UGH.  Apparently cowpatties were the plat du jour that day. 

It is surprising how pieces of information such as the age and attractiveness of the manager and the age and attractiveness of the staff can provide an overall snapshot of the dining experience, sometimes more so than the proposed menu.

Peanut Butter Cookies

1-1/3 C. crunchy peanut butter
3/4 C. granulated sugar (or you could use brown sugar too)
2 C. flour
1/4 C. molasses
1 tsp. baking soda
1 large egg

Preheat the oven to 350F.  Butter a baking sheet or line it with parchment paper.  Mix together the flour and baking soda.  In a separate bowl, combine the crunchy peanut butter and sugar.  Add in the egg and molasses one at a time.  Combine with the flour, mixing until well-blended.  Shape into walnut-sized balls (small cookies) or egg-sized (but not -shaped) balls (large cookies) and place about 2 inches apart.  Put some more sugar in a small bowl.  Dip a fork in the sugar and press it into the top of a cookie until it is partially flattened.  Redip it in sugar, then press it into the cookie again to make a criss-cross pattern and complete the flattening.  Do this for all the cookies.  Bake them for 10-12 minutes or until lightly golden on top.
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My grandparents are very traditional.  They also have a healthy marriage, which makes for some interesting divergences from "traditional".  For example, Grandmom is responsible for all the housekeeping (much to her chagrin), except for the yard, garage, and indoor vacuuming.  Yes, I said vacuuming.  Grandpop at some point must have been relegated to the vacuuming (possibly under duress) but has learned to love it with a deep abiding passion that requires him to own and maintain a vacuum for each vacuuming situation.  So, Grandpop has a vacuum for each floor (3), a shop vacuum (the garage), as well as a dustbuster (the stairs) and bissel sweeper (light mess).  This information may transform the conditions of women everywhere.  Dear Laundry Detergent Companies: please market your products as containing many moving parts or complicated steps that require systematic attendance that only a man could achieve.

Another way that Grandpop has broken out of his traditional man role is that he has always been the Chief Executive of Making Peanut Butter Cookies for Me.  It is his specialty, and only Grandpop can make them exactly right.

Old-Fashioned Sundaes / Taking "bite me" too far

2-3 scoops of vanilla ice cream
pineapple jelly
creme de menthe
spray whipped cream
maraschino cherries

Put the ice cream in a fancy dish, because this is the 50's and ice cream is still an event.  Put the rest on top.  Go ahead, put six cherries on, that's what they're for.  Eat up.
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I have many fond memories of these sundaes.  They are weird and delicious, as are the best parts of life.  In fact, I hearby officially repudiate all that is vanilla womanhood.  I work with a lot of women, and therefore it makes my opinion and expert opinion when I say I have had all I can take of personalities like perfectly formed ice-cream scoops with exactly one half a banana, spray whipped cream and a single cherry on top.  "Don't mess my topping" is how those sundaes go through life.  Life is messy, life is sticky, and life is definitely imperfect and that's exactly the way I like it.  With creme de menthe and pineapple jelly on top.

Ham & Noodle Casserole

16 oz. uncooked wide noodles (makes about 4 C. cooked)
1/2 C. cheddar cheese, shredded
1 C. cooked ham, cubed
1 can (1 C.) cooked peas
2 TB. butter+ some for buttering your casserole dish
2 TB. flour
milk as needed (about 1/2 to 1 C.) -or- broth of your choice of the same amount
salt and pepper to taste

Boil your noodles.  Butter your casserole dish and set it aside.  Turn the oven on to 350F.  In a saucepan, melt the butter.  Add in the peas and ham and cook until the ham is sizzling and the peas are hot.  Remove to a dish and set aside.  Reduce the heat to low and sprinkle the flour over top, stirring it to break up any lumps and to blend it in.  Let it brown just a little.  Gradually add in the broth or milk, stirring well after each addition, until the resulting sauce is moderately thin.  (Like thin custard or cream.)  Add in the cheese, whisking the sauce well until the cheese is all melted.  Season to taste.  (Don't do this step earlier or you may accidentally add in too much, or not enough, salt.)  Add the peas and ham back in and stir to blend.  Put the cooked noodles in the buttered casserole dish and pour the sauce over the top, tossing the noodles in the sauce so that they are fully coated and the sauce is evenly distributed.  Put a cover on the casserole dish and bake it until the sauce is bubbly and the casserole is hot.  (About 20 minutes.)
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Ham & Noodle Casserole, a bastion of Italian cook frugality (you "finish! finish!" it later!, later! in its new reincarnation as a casserole made of leftovers), is also, to my surprise, traditional.  I found it, with an Italian name (which I can't remember), among Grandmom's recipe cards.  Basically, the Italian version uses parmesan cheese (instead of cheddar) and a little white wine.  So, for those who are interested:

The Italian Version of Ham & Noodle Casserole

16 oz. uncooked wide noodles (makes about 4 C. cooked)
1/2 C. parmesan cheese, shredded
1 C. cooked ham, cubed
1 can (1 C.) cooked peas
2 TB. butter+ some for buttering your casserole dish
2 TB. flour
broth as needed (about 1/2 to 1 C.)
2-3 TB. white wine
salt and pepper to taste


Boil your noodles.   Butter your casserole dish and set it aside. Turn the oven on to 350F. In a saucepan, melt the butter. Add in the peas and ham and cook until the ham is sizzling and the peas are hot. Remove to a dish and set aside. Reduce the heat to low and sprinkle the flour over top, stirring it to break up any lumps and to blend it in. Let it brown just a little. Gradually add in the broth, stirring well after each addition, until the resulting sauce is moderately thin. (Like thin custard or cream.)  Add in the wine, and season to taste. (Don't do this step earlier or you may accidentally add in too much, or not enough, salt.) Add the peas and ham back in and stir to blend. Put the cooked noodles in the buttered casserole dish and pour the sauce over the top, tossing the noodles in the sauce so that they are fully coated and the sauce is evenly distributed.  Add in the parmesan cheese and toss to coat.  Put a cover on the casserole dish and bake it until the casserole is hot. (About 20 minutes.)

Grandmom's 50's-Style Meatloaf

3/4 C. ketchup
2 large eggs
1/2 C. milk
2 TB. Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 lb. meatloaf mixture*
1/2 C. crushed saltines (about 24 crackers)
1/2 C. chopped scallions
2 tsp. minced garlic
1 TB. packed brown sugar

Preheat oven to 425F.  Line a rimmed baking sheet with nonstick aluminum foil.  Whisk together 1/2 C. of the ketchup with the eggs, milk, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and pepper.  Add it into the meatloaf mixture along with the scallions, garlic, and saltines, squishing it together with your hands or, if you are squeamish, a wooden spoon (it'll take longer that way).  Turn the meat out onto your baking sheet and pat into an oval loaf.  Mix together the remaining 1/4 C. ketchup and the brown sugar and spread it over the loaf.  Bake in the oven for 50 minutes or until done.  Let rest 5 minutes before slicing.**
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The only thing this recipe is missing is the onion soup mix!  Feel free to not include it.  For the record, Grandmom, author of this recipe containing store-bought ketchup, tried the Paula Deen recipe containing prepared ketchup and mustard and deemed it unworthy. 

*Meatloaf mixture is a subjective thing.  My Italian Grandmom uses equal parts veal, pork, and beef (which would therefore be roughly 10 oz. of each, give or take an ounce).  In the northeastern grocery stores this is even sold premixed as "meatloaf blend".  However, I favor a smaller loaf and typically use 1 lb. of ground turkey with about 2/3C. of oatmeal mixed in.  The oatmeal, while adding healthy-eater cache, is actually in place because ground turkey has a slightly looser consistency than ground red meat, and the oatmeal causes the meatloaf to hang together, along with the egg.  If you make your meatloaf this way, it will be a paler loaf, but will still be juicy and taste like meatloaf.  I assume that all beef would work, but all-beef meatloafs are the source of those tv infomercials trying to sell us all $30 special meatloaf pans "so our meatloaves won't be all greasy and fall apart."  I have never had a meatloaf be all greasy and fall apart, even before the miracle of special meatloaf pans were invented and sold on tv.  The secret is not $30 meatloaf pans; the secret is using leaner meats.  (Think about it: pork and veal make up 2/3rds of my Grandmom's recipe, and they are both pretty low-fat, as is ground turkey.)

**This is a crucial step.  The cooling and settling of the meatloaf allows the juices to congeal or whatever it is they do inside the meatloaf, instead of running out all over your baking dish, which is what they will do if you slice it too soon.  Waiting the 5 minutes results in being actually able to slice the meatloaf without it falling apart (even without the special meatloaf pan) and also ensures that your meatloaf will stay moist.

Healthy Pizza with Homemade Pizza Dough

Yum, pizza sure is good, isn't it?  Don't you wish your New Year's resolution to eat healthy and lose weight included delicious, crispy-crusted pizza?  Oh wait, it can.  You just have to make it yourself so you can eliminate the calories added by chains to cut cost.  Because, in America at least, processed fat is cheaper than fresh ingredients.  (As opposed to most developing countries as far as I can tell, whose populations eat mainly grains and vegetables as a matter of necessity because those are the cheapest foods for them.)  Behold, healthy pizza.  It is surprisingly quick and easy to prepare.  (Honestly you'd spend more time waiting for the pizza delivery guy than you do making this pizza.)

Dough:
1/2 C. warm water
1 pkg. fast rise yeast
1 tsp. sugar
1-1/2 C. all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 TB. oil
cornmeal for sprinkling on baking sheet (about 1/4 C.)

Toppings:
2% or part-skim mozzarella or "pizza blend" shredded cheese*
tomato sauce of your choice**
parmesan cheese for sprinkling on top

--2-3 of the following--***
1 whole onion, chopped
4 yellow crookneck squashes
1-2 bell peppers
2-3 roma tomatoes
broccoli florets, cut into small bitesized pieces
1/2 bunch fresh spinach or 1/4 bunch fresh kale****
any other soft vegetable or precooked hard vegetable such as winter squash or carrots
oil for sauteing

Part 1: The Dough, 5-10 minutes
First, make your dough by mixing together the flour and salt.  Then, in a small bowl, combine the sugar, warm water, and yeast.  Let it proof before adding it to the flour, which should be less than a minute for fast-rise yeast.  (Proofing means watching to see if bubbles start to form on the top of the water, which is a way of checking that your yeast is active.)  Add in the oil to the yeast mixture, then add in a little flour, stirring until the mixture is smooth like a cake batter.  Add in the rest of the flour a little at a time and continue to stir until the dough becomes too thick.  At this point, dump it onto a clean work surface and knead (the regular bread-dough way) in any remaining flour, then knead a few more times until the dough is satiny.  Shape it into a ball and set it aside to rest and rise just a little bit-- basically the amount of time it's going to take you to prepare your vegetables.

Part 2: The Vegetables, 10-12 minutes
So.  Chop the vegetables of your choice into bite-sized pieces.  Saute them in a little oil until they are done, about 5-10 minutes.  (I often chop and saute at the same time, starting with the hardest vegetable and ending with the softest to avoid overcooking anything, but add a few more minutes if you want all your ducks in a row before you start.)

Part 3: Putting it All Together, 3-5 minutes
Oil your baking sheet.  Sprinkle a little cornmeal on it.  Place your dough ball in roughly the center and pat it out until it's mostly the same thickness (however thick you like your crust) all over and also some regular shape (mine almost aways comes out oval for whatever reason).  It's more important that the crust be of uniform thickness than uniform shape.  Spread a THIN layer of tomato sauce on the crust, leaving about a 2 inch (5 cm) boarder.  Sprinkle a generous layer of your cheese.  Lay your vegetables in a layer on top of the cheese, then (if you want to) spread some more tomato sauce, and definitely some more cheese, on top.  Sprinkle with parmesan.  (You can also sprinkle your crust with parmesan before putting on the tomato sauce.)

Part 4: Baking 5-6 minutes
Put your pizza in the oven at a pretty high temperature (let's say 425-450F) and bake it until the cheese melts.

Shazam, fresh hot pizza with almost no fat, about 2 servings of vegetables per slice, a healthy serving of lean protein and some good vitamins and minerals if you use whole wheat flour in your crust.  (I have done this and later discovered than my eater didn't even realize that I had used whole wheat flour.  And this person was a pretty picky eater!)  And you know what?  If you used your time in the kitchen efficiently it took you between 23 and 31 minutes, which at the bare minimum is exactly the same amount of time you would have to wait for a particularly fast and nearby pizza delivery service to bring you a diet deal-breaker.
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*"Pizza blend" is a blend that usually contains some combination of the following: romano, parmesan, mozzarella, formaggio, and asiago.  It's pretty good, but just mozzarella is good too.

**You can get a can of tomato sauce from the canned goods aisle for about 85 cents, and it tastes fine.  Or, if you have a partial jar of spaghetti sauce hanging around in the refrigerator, that works fine too.  I'll let you in on a secret: Italian cooks do not always use hand-prepared-that-day tomato sauce.  Back in the day, they would can tomato sauce made from tomatoes from their backyard garden (which is a membership requirement for all Italians to have or at least express the desire to have).  Since not everybody has the space for a garden or time to can zillions of jars of homemade plain tomato sauce, Italians have been known to frequent the tomato section of the canned aisle and stock up on plain sauce. 

***I have been known to use up leftovers on the top of a pizza as well.  The secret to not making nasty pizza is to choose your leftovers wisely.  IE, if you have some broccoli that you cooked a day or so ago with salt and butter, it'll be fine.  Spinach cooked the same way? Even better.  For optimum success, use homemade pizza as an excuse to rid your freezer of partial bags of frozen vegetables.  Just cook said vegetables for about 2/3rds of the recommended cooking time before putting them on top of your pizza.

****I'm not sure of the exact weight of bunches of spinach or kale, but I think it's about 12oz (about 350 grams).  So for a pizza you would use about 100gm of either one or, to be more concrete, about a handful of fresh washed spinach stems or 3-4 stems of kale.  (Which you would chop up, of course, unless you enjoy eating your pizza like a tough, fibrous hotdog.)

Eggy Pasta / Dating is Like Awkward Science

2 eggs
1-1/2 C. flour
water, if needed for consistency
salt, if desired

Mix together the flour and about 1/4 tsp. of salt, if you want it in there.  Make a well in the flour and break the eggs into the well.  Blend the eggs and flour together using your fingers.  Squish, squish.  The Italian Knead, remember?  If the dough is too dry (ie it won't hang together) work in a little water via kneading the regular way.  The dough, at this point, should be a fairly stiff, unworkable ball.  Let it rest covered in a damp tea towel or plastic wrap about 20 minutes.  Now you should be able to roll it out.  Roll it out to about 1/8th inch thickness (about 0.3 cm)*.  Now you can cut it into whatever shapes you want.  If you have a pastry cutter, it'll work like a dream, but a clean, sharp knife will work just as well.  I don't try to get too fancy with my homemade pasta shapes, but if you want to, be my guest.  From the appearance of store-bought pasta, I gather that it is not rocket science.  Just regular science with a certain amount of peculiarity that requires learning by experience**.  Anyway, once your pasta is shaped, all you have to do is boil it, usually for about 2-3 minutes.

*Heh.  I just did the math for the sake of accuracy and determined that it is exactly 0.3 cm.  Yeah, I'm that good.

**IE trial and error, the awkward 20-somethings of the scientific family and the source of: radiation therapy, antibiotics, and tupperware.  So if you happen to be in that indeterminate period in life, the next time someone corners you at a family gathering and starts to give you the third degree about that nice girl/boy you took to the prom almost a decade ago, remind them that you're still in the process of discovering penicillin so give it a rest. 

Spicy Potatoes

1/2-1 potato per person
olive oil for cooking and drizzling
1/4th of an onion per person
salt, pepper, and cayenne pepper

Wash the potatoes.  DO NOT PEEL THEM OR CHOP THEM.  Put them in a large pot and cover them with water.  Bring the water to a boil and cook the potatoes until they are soft all the way through when you stick a knife in them.  Remove them from the boiling water and let them cool.  Gently peel the skins off the potatoes.  Then, slice them into quarters and, holding two quarters together, slice them into thin pieces.  Peel the onion and chop it longways so it makes thin strips.  Put the onion and potatoes together in a large bowl.  Drizzle them liberally with olive oil, tossing them once or twice and redrizzling to ensure all are coated.  Salt and pepper the onions and potatoes to taste.  Let them sit about 30 minutes, checking them 2 or 3 times during the 30 minutes to see if the oil is being absorbed.  Toss and add more oil if necessary.  The potatoes and onions should be shiny but not wet with oil.  In small batches transfer the onion and potato mixture to a large skillet and fry over medium heat until the potatoes are onions are crispy, flipping once to make sure both sides get done.  Sprinkle them while they're in the pan with cayenne pepper to taste.  Drain on paper towels. 
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Take that, French Fries!  These are just as unhealthy and full of delicious grease and oil as the fast food item, but homemade, free of unnatural ingredients (depending on your perspective on cayenne pepper) and deliciously fresh because, like pancakes, you kind of make them and eat them as you go.  I am probably the only American in the country who will happily admit to a semi-addiction to grease.  The cause is even more banal than "it just tastes good".  I have been reducing my meat intake due to a lack of interest (in the product and in the additives that go in it) and the unintended consequence has been a craving for FAT.  Wish me success in avoiding morbid obesity.

Chicken Cacciatore

2 TB vinegar
2 TB brown sugar
1/4 C. lemonjuice
1 C. ketchup 2 bay leaves
1 TB paprika
3 TB Worchestershire sauce
1 TB prepared mustard
1 C. cold water
1/2 C. choppede celery
1/2 C. chopped green pepper
1 medium onion, chopped
salt and garlic salt to taste

3-4 lb chicken pieces
small can of mushrooms*
1/4 C. sautern or sherry

Combine all ingredients except for mushrooms and chicken and simmer 5-10 minutes.  In a skillet, brown the chicken pieces.  Pour the sauce over this, adding 1/4 C. of the wine of your choice.  Cover and simmer 45 minutes to 1 hour, or until the chicken is tender.  About 15 minutes before, add the small can of mushrooms.  Can make the day before and heat it to serve.
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This recipe is an enigma to me.  It's fairly old, being definitely written before 1965.  With all its "authentic family recipe" credentials it includes such glorious ingredients as ketchup from a jar and, to prevent any confusion, "prepared" mustard.  Yet at the same time it has you adding sautern or sherry wine, depending on what your discerning palate prefers.  I found it in amongst Grandmom's recipes while looking for a chicken marsala recipe to fix for a fancy dinner.  Grandmom tells me this recipe came from her sister, Rose Canduci, who died long before I was born.  She says that the recipe instructions were written by Rose but that the title was written by her (Grandmom).  She says that their handwriting was always almost exactly alike, and I can attest to it.  I was under the impression that the same person wrote the title later on as an afterthought.  I'm excited to include a recipe by my Great-Aunt Rose in this blog. 

*If you want to fancy this recipe all the way up to authenticity and homemadeness, I suggest you find another Chicken Cacciatore recipe.  However, if you're satisfied with a few minor improvements, or can't find an ingredient or two, here are my suggestions:

8oz. of fresh mushrooms should be an equivalent amount as a "small can of mushrooms." Wash and slice them before putting them in the sauce as directed. 

You could probably skip the mustard if you can't find any, or put it 1/2-to 1 tsp. of dried mustard mixed with a little extra lemon juice or vinegar (or wine!). 

If you can't lay your hands on ketchup, 1/4 C. canned tomato paste mixed with 2-3 TB. brown sugar, 1/4 tsp salt, and 1/2 C. water would probably do.

BUT, I repeat BUT do not try to incorporate all of these substitutions into one dish.  These are "make do" type substitutions.  Putting them all together would almost certainly lead to the culinary waste of a "3-4lbs chicken pieces".  I say "culinary waste" because, if you're really Italian, or just insufferably cheap, you will eat what you created anyway, gagging and choking all the way because "must not waste!"

Leftover Spaghetti

This is a narrative-style recipe that warrents inclusion because...what do you do with leftover spaghetti so that it's not gluey, flavorless, and soggy with watery tomato sauce?

Answer: Fry it in a pan.  I don't mean "fry" as in "deep fry".  Just reheating it really.  Spaghetti is one of those things that just tastes better if you avoid the microwave.  The sauce will thicken up a little bit, the noodles regain a significant amount of bite, and the whole thing is just a tad crispy so it's not exactly the same thing you had for dinner the night before.

Convinced?  Get out a medium to large skillet, put a very little oil in it, and turn the burner on to medium-low heat.  Let it heat up a little bit, then put in your leftover spaghetti, sauce** and all.  Cook in the skillet, addling* it occasionally to keep it from sticking, until it is nice and piping hot.  Serve immediately.
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*Addling is traditionally done to scrambled eggs, but I feel that the word best describes what Grandmom does when she reheats leftover spaghetti.  What is addling?  Basically, you get your cooking implement (a spoon or spatula) and kind of poke at the contents of your pan.  It's not as aggressive as scraping the bottom of the pan to deglaze it, and it's not as rapid as sauteing.  To the untrained eye, it looks like playing with the contents of the pan.  Poke it around some.  There, now you're addling.

**If you made your spaghetti the Italian way to start with, you tossed the cooked noodles in about 1/2 C. of the tomato sauce to lubricate them.  Because Italians do not dump their pasta in a collander and run cold water over it "to keep it from sticking."  In addition, Italian-style cooked pasta is always boiled with about 1 TB of olive oil and some salt.  So sticking to each other is not really a big concern!

This recipe embodies every good Italian woman's number one lesson, learned at the breast and not abandoned until the grave: "Finish, finish!  Must not waste!"  Throw out week old spaghetti?  Not on your life!  We must EAT it!  Every bite!  Over and over and over again until it's gone.  "Finish!  Must not waste!"  This chant is used as an encouragement, cajoling, or guilt-inducer.  It's the Italian version of starving people in China.

Peas Sicilian-Style / Showing Love By Breaking the Vacuum Cleaner

2 C. peas
1/2 sweet white onion
oil for sauteing
thyme or oregano to taste
salt to taste

Boil the peas in a minimum of water according to package directions or until tender (about 10 minutes).  In the meantime, slice the onion half lengthwise in very thin slices (so that you end up with strips, not cubes).  Heat the oil in a skillet.  Saute the onion until just tender.  Add in the peas.  Toss to coat.  Let cook a little longer to blend the flavors.  Season to taste.

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Grandmom told me this is another "feed the family" recipe.  You know, from back in the day when food was a family's biggest living expense, not rent or gas.  Great-grandmom Canduci, she told me, would use a single can of peas and make pasta and toss the cooked and seasoned peas in there to feed the whole family (eight people!) supper.

Grandmom imparted this recipe to me after I got done making the experimental chicken recipe from the magazine (too sweet) and, unbeknownst to her, breaking her vacuum cleaner in an attempt to fix it.  So, to clear up any confusion, non-commecial vacuum cleaners were not designed for the consumer to open the engine housing.  Even if it's to clean out critical amounts of dust that could cause the engine to ignite.  So don't even try getting a hand-crank drill after the cheap metal screws, because honestly, what are you going to do once you get done reaming them out?  Duct tape the housing back together and pretend like nothing happened?  (Tempting, but flammable, which defeats the original purpose of preventing your grandparents from cremating themselves.  Yes, a new vacuum purchase was the eventual end of this experiment.)

What happens when you try not to swear.

In response to my earlier beer muffin post, I do not think my Grandmom is lazy OR uncreative.  I just think she likes to try new things.  In addition, her kitchen is the source of many good things...including this story:

I was helping Grandmom wash dishes and I didn't realize the faucet was on "hot"...so I scalded myself and, in attempt to not swear in front of my deaf Grandmom I said (this is a direct quote): "Ow, bugger bugger Goddarn it!"

Beer Muffins

2-2/3 C. bisquick*
2 TB. sugar
1 12oz. can beer

Mix all together.  Grease and flour** muffin cups an fill about 2/3rds full of batter.  Bake for 12 minutes at 375F.  They will not get brown on top.
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*Update on American Educational Quality*

So I actually checked the mighty internet, source of all unbiased, recent, and totally accurate information, and apparently (according to several sites), the United States, while definitely below China on reading, math, AND science, did actually beat Germany in reading in 2003, when this assessment was done. (India did not choose to participate.)

Oh Beer Muffins...one of the few pakcages food-plus-packaged food combos that I truly enjoy.  Yes, maybe I am a snob.  But I am a self-sustaining snob!  Why bother eating out of a box when it's very nearly as easy to fix something recognizable from start to finish as food?  Whoa, I amost roamed into foodinista land.  So to be honest, the process of learning how to cook is not easy.  It takes years.  It's definitely a process.  But once you're there, or even marginally there, the actual cooking is not much worse than your average box mix.  Take for example, the instructions on packaged cookie mix.  "Combine mix, egg/oil/whatever the box calls for, and blend.  Roll out and cut.  Bake at x temp. for x minutes.  Enjoy."  Compare that with your average cookie recipe: "Combine x, y, z, q, r, s, lmnop.  Mix.  Roll out.  Bake at x temp for x minutes.  Enjoy!"  Basically, you have to be able to find more things in your kitchen to do it the homemade way.  I would add a caveat about accurate measuring except most box recipes (for cookies or otherwise) have you measure stuff too, even if it's just water.  Returning to the subject of Beer Muffins, my Grandmom recently showed me a box of beer muffin mix she bought.  Yes, it still requires a can of beer* (*not included), but additionally requires butter, which is not even in the original recipe!  What does this say about the American cook that this product is even for sale?  Have we really gotten that lazy?  Or that uncreative?  I vote "uncreative," since decades of American public schools trying to win the Space Race by requiring increasingly younger students to memorize increasingly longer lists of facts has, unsurprisingly, caused us not to beat China or Japan or India or even Germany at math and science ability.  Not that I'm dissing German scientists.

*Bisquick is a premixed product containing levening and salt and possibly some other things.  I haven't checked in a while.  Self-rising flour works just fine as a substitute.  Or look up a good equivalency recipe. (I can't remember off the top of my head how many teaspoons of baking powder/baking soda go into regular all-purpose flour to make it into "self-rising".)

**For optimum laziness, use a spray can of baking spray, which contains an aerosolized mixture of flour and oil.  Hey, it does work pretty well, and I've never noticed a funny taste on my baked goods after using it.